Shu's Tales

I pooped my pants

2006-04-12T01:05:00.000-06:00

So that time has finally come, it's the last day of this term, I'm writing my last exam. I feel fucking fantastic, this is going to be a great day.

O, what's this, I feel a fart coming up, ok, I'm just gonna fart, afterall, how can a simple fart hurt my day at all. Ok, here goes, *plat

... O shit

O no, what am I suppose to do, I'm only 10 minutes in to my 2 and a half hour exam. O fucking god, what the fuck.

I walk up to the proctor

"Ummm, excuse me, I'd like to go to the washroom please"

"Are you serious, it's only 10 minutes in to the exam"

"Well, what can I tell ya"

We walk to the washroom, I go in to a stall. I pretend to be taking a dump - I stood by the toilet and wiped my pants and my ass as best I could, then I sat for a few minutes so that it looks like I really did take a crap, I was still kind of insecure so I made some moaning sounds. I flush and walk out

I casually wash my hands

"So how's it going" I say to the proctor casually

"Did you just crap your pants"

I pause awkwardly

"yeah"

"Hey, you don't have to be ashamed" says the proctor "I've had more than my share of crapping my pants in inopportune times." he goes in to a flashback trance "When I was just a wee wittle wad, o that was a time when waterloo is not waterloo as you know it at all but rather something completely different. It was a simple time... but also not so simple at all, yes it was definately a complex time then. Yes not simple at all. I was little, very little, so little that you could say I wasn't very big at all. Indeed that was many years ago, and I was not as aged as I now am, nor as big."

"Ummm, listen, I'd really like to listen to more of you saying the same thing over and over again , but I got an exam to do, so... I really gotta go"

"No" he blocks the door "You shall listen to my tale"

"No, I don't want to"

"Well, Ok" he says "but you're missing out on some important wisdom that you're going to need"

"yeah aright" I say all disbelieving-like

I start to walk back to the exam

"wait kid..."

"Yeah?"

"Good luck"

"Thanks" I say holding back tears

"You're gonna need it"

I contemplate his words deeply "...ok"

I walk back to the exam. Overall, the exam went ok. I was a little distracted, you guys know Hel.., oop, I mean (hands making a quote sign) BABERELLA, the girl in my shakespeare class that looked like feist for whom I wrote that story about. Well she was sitting beside me... and I guess I was prety conscious of the smell I was giving off. It was also pretty uncomfortable because my poop was smudging all over my ass and other parts of my underwear and pants as time goes along and as I make small movements that I don't normally notice but now do. But yeah, the exam still went ok, some part of it was really fun actually; for one essay I titled it misery is a butterfly hahahahahaha. I laughed for 5 minutes, everyone stared at me.

The exam finishes, Baberella nudges me

"Hey, what were you laughing about, did you go crazy or something"

"Nah" (my first word to her, omg omg!) "I just wrote something really funny. For one of my essays, I titled it misery is a butterfuly" I laugh "hahaha"

"I don't get it" she says

"It's a name of a song I like and it kinda fit the essay"

"Ok, but I still don't think it's that funny."

"Yeah, now I don't know why I found that funny, and I'll probably get some marks duct for bad title"

Our exams are collected and we stand up about to leave.

fuck it

"So hey, you're Baberella right. You know I've been staring at you a lot, and I actually just wrote a story about you."

"What's it about?"

"Well it's unfinished, I'm not sure how to finish it actually, but basically it's about me and you and we're in love."

"O well, that's kinda sweet"

"Yeah, so hey, you done exams?"

"Yep"

"Ummm, I don't know, ummm, would you want to maybe get something to eat with me?"

"Ok

"You look a lot like feist you know that"

"no"

We walk out

"So where do you want to go" she asks

"Ummm, actually I gotta go home first"

"Why?"

"O, uhhh no reason, I just want to change, you know"

"no, what, did you crap your pants or something"

"... no"

"Well, then what are you doing, it's almost 11, let's get something to eat"

Whatever, the poop is already smudged, I don't think it can get any worse. Just forget it, this is too important. I don't know, maybe I should just tell her the truth, but something is holding me back, dammit, why can't I just be honest, I suck, I deserve to die

I slap myself

She looks at me "You're kinda weird" she says cutely

We go to east side marios; bing budda boom budda ban.

"Say, do you smell something, I've been smelling some really shitty smell for a while and I can't figure out what it is" says she

"Ummm... I don't know, maybe it's the food here"

"No, I think it's been following me"

"I don't know what it could be, maybe it's you then" I counter quickly

"What, that's mean"

"O yeah, I'm sorry, well it's just an idea"

"Well, maybe you're right, how do I know right"

"yeah"

We finish eating and walk outside.

I really want to go home, but what can I do?

"So, I'll walk you home" I say

So I walk her to her home

"So do you want to like come up" she asks

Holy fuck, this is pretty great, I think this girl wants to have sex with me. But if I take off my pants she'll see that I pooped my pants. Ok, just delay delay delay until she's too tired for sex, if everything goes well I can have sex with her tomorrow, ok so I'll just use my exceptional conversational skills to keep her up all night.

"hey ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

I say ummm for 5 minutes. FUCK

"Are you ok?" Baberella says to me "have you gone crazy or something?"

"No, I mean yes, I mean no. I mean yeah I'm crazy but no I'm not ok. No I mean, yes to being ok and no to being crazy. I ... just had so much to say ... that I didn't know what to say first... hence the long ummm"

"Man, you're really a weird and creepy guy, but that's just the kinda guy I dig"

"yeah... well... let's go dig up a dead corpse...then... and eat it"

"ok, that sounds really good"

Yeah ok, so that was really weird but I was pretty tense and I guess it kinda works in someways in my mind at the time seeing as how she just used the word dig and also she just said she really likes weird and creepy guys, so I don't know I guess it just felt right to say it. Anyways so she's actually in to it, which is pretty fucked up. So we go to the graveyard and she digs up a dead corpse and eat it.

...

Man... what the fuck, that's a lot more disgusting than I thought it would be, I mean what the fuck she's eating dead people!

"Here" she passes me a leg and smiles brightly

"I... ummmmmmmmm...... what?"

"here" she nudges the leg at me "you wanted to eat dead people right, man I really dig guys crazy like that."

"ummm... I really want to, but man, I'm really tired, I think I gotta go home right now, I was up all night studying for this exam"

"O shut up, I really like you" she starts kissing me, uhyack, human gore in my mouth but she's really enjoying it and I think it would be courteous for me to enjoy it too. Yeah it's really not too bad

I throw up in her mouth

"O you just keep turning me more and more on don't you!" she screams excitedly "Ok enough of this, we're going over to my place right now, no arguments" she drags me to go

"Ummm, are we going to like have sex? I'm really like tired you know, I would really love to but maybe like tomorrow or something, I'm just so tired, I actually havn't slept for a week"

"you don't like me?"

"No, I do, I totally really really really do."

"O wow, three reallys, you must really like me a lot. Ok, fine I believe you, you can crash at my place then, we're only 2 minutes away. If you're really that tired you can't walk home"

"O, I think I just felt a jolt of energy, I think it's being with you y'know, it's... the power of love, I think I got enough energy to walk home"

"Hey! Then we should totally have sex now, and then you can just sleep with me"

"Ok, I think I was wrong, I was just really excited and felt that burst of energy but it's gone, I've just been without sleep too long"

"Ok, then come over to my house"

"You know, I think I have so little energy in fact that I don't know if I can actually walk all the way over to your house"

"But we're only 20 seconds away now, it's right there"

"Yeah, well, I think I'm about to black out, you know I'm just so tired"

"O please, for me?"

"I'm really tempted to say yes, you know believe me, but I..."

"Well we're already here" she opens the door to her house "that last conversation took 20seconds"

"Ok great... anyways, I'm going to black out now, I simply can't hold on any longer, so I definately can't go to your bed or take off my pants or anything like that. Yep, so here I go"

I fall down to the floor and pretend to be asleep

She goes and gets changed, I peek, she's wearing this really cool far-out like future/outer space kinda suit, like a silver tube. It looks so neat, she's really cool and she's really sweet. She comes by me and lies down and hold me, o man she feels so good. And I'm totally going to get away with this poop in the pants thing, and all the lying too, I've been so stupid not lying all this time, like I havn't lied for so long, it sure saved me this time around with out any harm done. This is so fucking great, I'm finally going to have a girlfriend, and she's so pretty and freaky cool, this is just going to turn out so well, I know it. It's really the first happy ending in my life, in my real life that is, not just something like in my stories like that christmas story because that was fake and this is real.

yea Jackpot! I was just thinking when suddenly the house start vibrating. I peek and well, the entire house now looks far out and outspace/futuristic. Bam, there's a loud blasting-off sort of sound, and I feel like super heavy gravity on me. I jump

"What the fuck"

"O shit, you're up" Baberella responds and smiles "hey baby"

"What's going on? Am I on a space ship?"

"Yeah, I'm an alien I'm taking you to my home planet"

"O wow, you, in that story I wrote about you, were also an alien. How do you like that coincidence huh? Well, that's not important right now, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING ME TO YOUR PLANET FOR! Ok, listen, I like you, but don't you think you should have asked me before taking me to your planet, I mean we don't even know each other yet."

she responds naive-cutely "well you said you really really REALLY liked me and then you said you got energy/power from me, that had to be love, so I knew you'd agree. And you were so blacked out, and I knew how tired you were based on what you've told me, so I knew it would be impossible to wake you even if I tried. I only remembered after getting home that I have to go back to my planet today, so you know, I thought this was definately the right thing to do right?" she smiles proudly

Fuck, I really fucked up this time...

"Anyways, here we are" she says "don't worry about earth ok? My planet is pretty cool too"

We walk down to her planet, I guess it looks pretty cool, well it is a different planet.

She takes my arm "C'mon, hey, are you ok?"

I turn and look at her. Well at least I got a girlfriend now and being on a different planet, well that's pretty cool. I guess I can make the best of it, definately no more lying though, I've learned that lesson. Yeah I think I'm going to be alright.

"baby, I'm better than ok, I'm good." I say, kissing her "but listen baby, I'm sorry, I lied to you before, I crapped my pants"

"...O yuck, I'm leaving"

...

So I'm stuck on an alien planet by myself and now I can never change my pants and I'm stuck with poop in my pants forever... ever... ever... ever

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooh CRAP!

---------
The end
---------

O learn from my tale friends and the gain wisdom that I had not... and... good luck...
you're going to need
it...

DUN DUN DUN!

***

Written and Directed by Shu
Music by Shu

Shu - Shu
Baberella - Invisible woman
Exam Proctor - Invisible man
Narration - Shu
(so this is like a movie)

Shu's Christmas Love Story

2006-01-11T00:48:00.000-06:00

Dear Santy

Hey there dog, I havn't been very good before and I never got nothing and ok, I think I deserved that. But this last year, I've been a really good boy, I think I'm really starting to get this life now and I've become a pretty nice person, so I think you should get me something. I mean, I don't usually ask for things but you know, this is what you do for a living, and I'm really pretty desperate, so I'm asking you. All I want for Christmas is a girl to love and who'll love me back too, that's it, please give it to me. O, and not too short and not to fat and kinda pretty please, pretty please.

Signed
Shu Zhang

folded, put-in-ed and sealed. I skip to the post office happily

"Mail to this North Pole please! It's for Santy Clause" I say smiling

"Awww that's adorable..." says the postman lady

"Thanks!"

I skip away

"Hey Shu, still trying to get a girl?"

"Not anymore, Mrs Benderstein, I'll get one this Christmas, I've been a really good boy and I asked Santy for one!"

"Well I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya"

"Thanks dog!"

I continue to skip home and come to a fork in the road, a clear path which will take me home in 10 minutes, and a path that leads in to an ominously dark forest, of which, no one has ever come out of alive. However, as legends has it, it's possible to get home in only 8 minutes.

3 hours in to the dark forest and I know I've made the wrong choice. I drop down and start weeping

"Wah Wah, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?" I cry out

"Hello? Little crying boy? Are you lost too, wait there a second, I'll come over" a girl runs over "O why, you're not really a little boy at all, you're a grown man haha" laughs the girl

"O hey, I wasn't crying at all... I was just making like a joke, like a sarcastic cry"

"Yeah!" the girl responds sarcastically

"Oright, I suppose it's a little scary, maybe we oughta hold each other"

"Yuck, I'm not going to hold a wimpy grown man!"

"Ok, well I'm not scared at all, I just said it because I thought maybe you'd hold me then"

"Oright"

"Anyways, let's try to find our way out"

We start walking

"So, how is going?" I ask

"Well I've been here, I've been lost in this forest for a couple of days. I guess it's alright, lost some weight, hehe"

I say "Oh yeah, you look great, I guess that's a benefit of being lost in a dark forest. I'm Shu by the way, what's your name?"

"Shishkabob"

"So do you think we'll ever find our way out?"

"I hope so, but it's not too likely, haha. So how did you get lost?"

"I was mailing my Christmas wish to Santa, and I thought this might have been a shortcut back home"

"What did you wish for?"

"O you know, love"

"O yeah, I kinda wished for that too, although right now if I had it, I'd trade it for a bowl of rice. Ha, no I'm just kidding, but I am really hungry.
Anyways yeah, I want love pretty bad, I hunger for it, and I'm hungry baby, I could eat two and three quarters horses I'm so hungry!"

"What, what do you mean, like you're actually hungry or"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" we laugh

"Well... hey" I say shyly "umm, as for the love thing, you know we're probably not going to get out of the forest and we're probably the only humans we're going to see until we die, so umm... maybe we should just kinda like... love each other"

"Oright"

"And ummm Shishkabob, if you're really hungry, you could eat my arm or something"

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's not a big deal, it's just one arm"

"Well, I'm not that hungry yet, you know, I ain't dying yet or nothing, but, ok, I'll eat it later if I really need to.
I really appreciate it by the way"

She gives me a kiss

***

Bam, a gun shot

"Did you hear that?"

Shishkabob runs to the sound of the gunshot, I follow her. There's a reindeer on the ground, and an evil looking man walking towards it with a shotgun.

"Help" the reindeer says

"You can speak? asks Shishkabob

The evil looking man points the gun at Shishkabob "Hey, stay out of it if you know what's good for you"

"I'm a magic reindeer, he's trying to destroy Christmas, please, WARN SANTA!!!" screams the reindeer desperately

BAM, his brain splatters against the trees

Shishkabob jumps at the evil looking man as he takes aim again; she kicks his gun away and they fight. I jump in as well and help her, even with the two of us (both black belts in every form of mortal combat), he is overwhelming us. He knocks both of us down, says aloud "No! I can't waste anymore time with these brats, I got a Christmas to destroy! Muhahaha" and flys away

"Dammit!" Shishkabob says angrily, she walks over to the reindeer

"Hey kids... " the reindeer says weakly

"How can you speak, your brain is blown to bits" I ask curiously

"I still got my heart and that's enough for now. Listen you kids, you kids must get to the North Pole."

"We don't know how to get out of this forest"

The reindeer stands up trembling

"Hop on, I can fly you two out"

"Reindeer... your brains are already blown out..."

"I'll be fine, just get on! The whole world depends on you now!

We get on his back

"I can't see anything, but I can fly, I'll fly above the forest, then you kids direct me"

***

We're falling, the reindeer has blacked out, we're going to crash. I close my eyes, Shishkabob clutches me and I clutch her back.

Impact

I open my eyes... I'm alive, Shishkabob is weeping. The reindeer had regained consciousness, straightened out and broken our fall with his own body.

"Are you guys out of the forest?" he asks weakly

"Yeah" Shishkabob responds

"Ok good... save Christmas..." his heart gives out...

Shishkabob stands, she wipes away her tears "C'mon Shu, we gotta start heading for the North Pole. We gotta save Christmas, hehe" she says and chuckles in amusement.

It's a long road to the North Pole, there are a lot of dangers and we are far outmatched by our enemy; but I look at the reindeer and I'm filled with hope

"You thinking what I'm thinkin' Shishkabob?"

"Yeah, reindeers taste delicious" she says as she chews a piece of meat "What!? I'm hungry! Haha, just kidding" she spits him out and buries him, then takes out a piece of rose and places it on the grave "yeah, love'll save us all"

***

"So, how do we get to the North Pole?" Shishkabob asks

"We can steal a jet, but I'm not sure if we can do it" I respond

"...I can, I'm an expert in stealing jets, but... but stealing is wrong! There must be another way!"

"So do you have a different idea?" I ask

Shishkabob loses in thought. She looks up at me

"...I'm going to learn to fly"

"That's impossible, people can't fly"

Shishkabob loses in thought again

***

A bunch of boys are making fun of Shishkabob

"I can fly, I'll learn it!"

"No you cant! People can't fly! You're so stupid! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"

O how all the kids laughed at her

"Shut up!" Shishkabob screams and kicks the boys in the balls

***

"I can do it!" Shishkabob screams

"Alright, I guess you can give it a try"

"Do you believe in me Shu"

"I don't know, not really"

We are standing below a cliff, she runs angrily up the cliff, she jumps off and flaps her arm stupidly. She falls down

"Ouch ouch"

I help her up, she runs back up and jumps off again. She falls down

"Owww owww owww alright, let's steal a jet"

Ok, so she stole a jet later that afternoon and we go to the North Pole. We run in to Santa Clause's house and ask for some food, but Santa didn't have any, which really sucks because we're both extremely hungry, Shishkabob especially. Anyways whatever, then we tell him about what happened, so I guess at least we're going to save Christmas maybe

"O no, ho ho ho, thanks kids for warning me, I'll be prepared in case he tries to assassinate me or any other reindeers, but even so with one of my reindeers dead, I don't have enough to fly me around and deliver all the toys, Christmas is ruined. Ho ho ho" he laughs with his trademark bough of jolly

"O NO!" me and Shishkabob shriek at once "Is there anything we can do?"

"Well there is one thing but... no I shouldn't, forget I brought it up... no, I have to tell you... no I can't, not that... ok I will. Listen you guys, I have a magical berry that can turn a human in to a reindeer... but the change is permanent, Christmas is tonight, if you want to save Christmas one of you will have to eat that berry and become a reindeer forever. Ho ho ho"

"There must be another way, we have a jet can you use that?" I ask

"THAT'S SO STUPID! Ho ho ho. A jet can't land on people's roof tops. Even if it could, I can't reach every house in the world, it's impossible, there are like a million people in the world!! No, I must have a magical flying being, magic is the only way to do Christmas."

"Wait... I can be that magical flying being" Santa and I look at Shishkabob "I can learn to fly, I know I can"

"Ho ho ho little girl, a human can not fly, you're being stupid, ho ho ho"

Shishkabob slaps him, snot flys out of santa's mouth, "I'll do it dammit, mark my words, I'll learn to fly!"

...

"Shishkabob... I believe in you" I say

"Thank you" she smiles and kisses me.

I smile back "Go get em tiger or should I say... SUPER FLYING SQUIRREL GIRL!"

She smiles at me again and I smile back at her again and she smiles back at me again. She runs, she picks up speed, she jumps up, and falls down; she does this several times then walks back.

"Alright, maybe I can't do it"

"Ho ho ho, stupid girl, I told you ho ho ho" laughs Santa Clause "So you guys wanna eat the berry or what"

"I don't know" I say

"OK" I turn a little shocked, "ok" says Shishkabob, "I'll do it"

"Shishkabob..."

"Shu, I gotta do it, I gotta save Christmas. Besides, I'm really hungry, I gotta eat something!"

Santa pats her on the back "We don't leave for another 2 hours, so ummm, you'll probably want to use your human form as much as possible until then." Santa winks, "ho ho ho ho ho ho" then he runs cute-fatly to behind the curtains and hides

"O Santa! We know you're hiding behind the curtains you pervert! LMAO!" Shishkabob says

"Ho ho ho, ok, ok you kids got me, ho ho ho" Santa leaves

Shishkabob smiles "O that guy, he sure is full of jolly"

...

I speak and I bring the mood down a notch... because I'm sad "I... don't want you to do this... I, I really like you, you know... I don't really want you to become a reindeer" I say

"O I'm sorry Shu but I gotta save Christmas. And you know, there's really nothing else to eat, and I'm really really hungry"

I hug her for a bit

"Listen, ummm, I know Santa's insinuated that we should do it since you'll become a reindeer soon, but we don't have to do it if you don't want to, I'd like to just talk with you until then you know"

...

"O JEEZ, we can talk while we're fucking, take off your pants now!"

***

Two hours went by like it was only one hour and forty five minutes. We met up with Santa then and got attacked by that evil looking man. Santa was prepared though, and he absolutely whooped that guy. Santa may be really fat and cuddly, but he's also a saint, so he's got like inhuman angelic powers. Yo, I can't even describe how he fought yo.

Anyways, so that evil looking man flew away in defeat, and Santa decided not to give chase because he's gotta get going to delivering the presents.

"Here's the magical berry Shishkabob, go ahead and eat, save the world, ho ho ho" says Santa as he hands her the magical berry

Shishkabob smiles at me, "Ok, here goes."

"I love you Shishkabob..." I say

She smiles again, "Ok great", she says and eats the berry.

Fudge

I watch as she transforms, and to be honest I get kinda pissed. She's being really nice... this is probably the right thing to do... but why does some stupid shit like this happen to me every time I get close to love?

*little does Shu know, he is the reason, he is the reason why he doesn't have love in his life

"Fuck!"

"What is it Shu?" asks Santa Clause

"I... I was so close to having a girl, to having love!"

I start storming away

I know I'm being childish, but I don't care! It's the one thing I wanted, I've been a really good boy this whole year (I stump my feet in frustration) and I can't even have this one thing. O gosh, am I being a jerk? No fuck it, I don't care, I should get something, what about me?!

"Shu!" screams Santa, I turn back, "if you want to go then fine, I won't stop you!" he says

I leave.

Behind me Shishkabob cries; but she sucks it up, she's got a Christmas to save

***

I'm strolling through a forest in the North Pole to let off some steam. I see a dark figure, holy shit, it's that evil guy, he's hiding in the dense forest where Santa can't see him and he's holding a rifle ready to shoot Santa and the reindeers as they fly by. I should get back and warn Santa.

Just then, I hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring ting tingling too... o no... they're already flying over us, that evil guy, he's got a clear shot at them. If I yell, I'll surely be noticed and shot. No, why should I care, I've never gotten anything from Santa, from Christmas.

BAM

My heart sinks, he's hit Shishkabob. She stumbles a bit, but gathers herself and keeps on flying. They'll never find him down here, but they should land and hide. They'll die if they stay up there, don't they know that? Why does Shishkabob keep going? Shishkabob...

The evil man takes aim again, BAM, another shot to Shishkabob. She stumbles further but she picks herself up, she keeps going, she doesn't care...

I look at her and I suddenly get it, how could I have been so wrong? A single word fills my mind, yeah you know what word I'm talking about, it starts with L...O...

LoadsOfSexWithAReindeer

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg, it's LOVE... it's LOVE baby

"Santa!" I scream "He's down here!"

The evil man spares me a glance, then turns back quickly and takes aim at the approaching sleigh. I hurl myself between Shishkabob and the rifle, all I cared about was her.

You know I've always thought about doing something like this for someone, but I've always thought about maybe just getting hit in the arms or the legs or something. Right now though, I didn't care, I could die right now and I think I wouldn't care. I realize now that despite all my previous whinings of needing love, I've never even been willing to love, I've been a child, I've been nothing but a boy my whole life. And this is it, you know. Love is right there for me to grab, and so I grab it.

BAM

I take a shot to the gut, I'm bleeding profusely as I land, but I don't notice... I'm filled with the power of love. I stand up and fall back down "OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! MUTHA FUCKING OWWW MUTHA FUCKER FUCKING MUTHER FUCK!!!", oright, I was wrong, it just took a few second before I felt it

"Dammit, you brat, you ruined everything"

He aims his rifle at my head, but gets knocked down. It's Santa, Santa kicks his ass all the way to pluto, he'll never be able to cause anyone any harm again. I crawl up to Shishkabob, I take one look at her and the bullet in my gut feels like the best feeling in the world.

"Shishkabob, I'm sorry, I've been really selfish. Reindeer or not, I love you Shishkabob and I want to be with you. *cough. If anything, there's just more of you to love. *cough
Listen, I just became a man. Will you marry me?"

"Oink oink" Shishkabob responds in reindeer speak

"I'll take that as a yes" I say and smile

***

"I now pronounce you man and reindeer!" says Santa

I kiss her "O, I just know we're going to be so happy together, even though you can't even speak english anymore!"

"Oink oink, hahaha, gotcha, I can still speak English! hahaha"

We laughed and we laughed and we lived happily ever after.

And that was how both Shu and Shishkabob's Christmas wish came true.

The End

A Person In Denial

2005-11-12T03:32:00.000-06:00

Chapter 1 – A girl named Alley falls in love with me and Baberella becomes a chopstick

A girl walks up to me, she says “Hey Shu, boy, your midterm was really good."

"O gee thanks" I respond

"If you like, we could go out sometime, yeah”

“O, no that’s ok”

“Ok then, pick me up at 7, here’s my address” she hands me a piece of paper

“I said no baby, I already have a girl, Baberella”

“And maybe you can help me study sometime, yeah”

“No”

“Great, see you tonight, yeah”

Baberella walks by “Hi, Alley, what’s going on”

“O, not much” Alley says “I just asked Shu out, we’re a couple now”

“That’s not true” I say

“Shu?! Is that ture?!”

“No”

“She asked you out?!”

“Yeah”

“And you said yes?!”

“No, I didn’t”

“Shu, I can’t believe you?! What is it?! It’s because I’m an alien?! Or because I almost killed you?! O MY GOD Shu!! I love you!!”

“O Baby, I love you too, I didn’t say yes, she’s fucking crazy insane in the brain”

“Alley, is this true? Are you crazy in your brain?”

“Shu said, he’ll pick me up at 7 and take me out for dinner and then have sex with me all night, lalala”, Alley skips away humming

“O Shu, I’m sorry, that I’m an alien but does that change anything”

“Of course not, what are you talking about”

“Ok then what is it? Now that you got the highest mark for the midterm in our class, you’re too good for me?!”

Baberella weeps and runs away.

***

“O baby, please, I love you and only you.” I say to Baberella

“Ok Shu, I believe you, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, I'm having my period so. Anyways forget it, let's go for dinner, actually I just gotta take a crap first”

“Ok" I smile

I hear a knock on the door, it’s Alley

“Hey Shu, I couldn’t wait and I knew you felt the same, yeah. So I just came over, let’s go for dinner, yeah”

“Listen Alley, you’re sweet and fun and all, but you’re a crazy ho, I don’t like you, I love Baby, my Baby, she's the only baby for me baby.”

“Red Lobsters, that’s sounds great, hey you know what, let me carry you, yeah”

Alley picks me up and takes me to Red Lobsters. I wanted to get down, but she’s pretty strong and I couldn’t.

She chains me down to the chair, so I guess I might as well make the best of it and enjoy the food. We talk about some reality t.v shows as we eat. She unchains me when we’re done with the food, I run away back to my house.

“Where did you go Shu?” ask Baberella

“Alley came by and she forced me to have dinner with her”

“What do you mean forced you?”

“Well she picked me up and then she chained me to a chair”

“O… well ok then… you are being honest right?”

“Yeah”

“Ok, well, do you still want to have something with me?”

“O, I’m full baby, but I'll always want to eat with you, I’ll eat if my stomach bursts baby!”

***

Alley starts talking to me the next day in class

“In truth, I really don’t like you that much” I tell her

"Shu… sometimes I wish you'd be a little more honest about your feelings"

“Alley, you crazy ass, I think you’re very cute-sweet, but I got a baby baby, Baby. I’ll be with her forever and I’ll never be with you.” I take out a knife and chop down my pinky “This is how much I love her, I love her so much, I’d cut off one of my own fingers for her. (to Baberella) Here you go baby, I’ll love you forever”

Alley snatches it and eats it “What finger?”

“Damn it Alley!”

“It’s ok Shu, I don’t need your finger, it’s the thought that counts” Baberella says and kisses me sweetly

Alley tries to kiss me too but I pull away, she thinks she had kissed me anyways “O Shu, you taste ever so sweet, let’s skip this class and have sex in a stall, yeah.”

“No”

She picks me up and takes me to a stall. She strips off my cloth and starts to strip away her own. I take this chance and jump through the roof to escape from her.

"Listen I appreciate all this but I don't want you, I love someone else."

She doesn't seem to hear it or even notice that I was gone. She starts humping the air.

“O Shu, your penis is so big and it feels so good, o I love you so!”

“Alley, my penis is very small, in addition we’re not even having sex right now, you’re very delusional and I think you need help”

I run away back to class naked

Baberella gives me her dress to wear for now

“Baby, what do you want me to do about all this?”

"About what?"

"Alley"

“O, Iunno, just ignore it I guess. A little craziness won't hurt nobody” Baby says in her bra and panties

“I guess you are right” I respond wearing her cute little pink dress

"Aye" she says

"Aye" I say

"Aye twas a good sex Shu!" Alley says coming back in to the room, she sits next to me "Let's go out tonight, yeah. Ok, pick me up at 7 yeah."

“No”

***

I’m talking to Baberella the next day, when suddenly, I wasn’t talking to her anymore, I was talking to a pair of chopsticks, that was odd

Alley walks up to me again, ugh

“Hey Shu, what happened yesterday, why didn’t you pick me up”

“Cuz baby I don’t want you, I love Baberella”

“Who’s Baberella?”

“What do you mean who’s Baberella, your friend, my eternal love, Baberella, that Baberella”

“I don’t know anybody named Baberella, and what do you mean she’s your love, I’m your love”

“You’re delusional”

“Shu… what’s going on with you? The last couple of days, you’ve been acting like we weren’t even together.”

“We aren’t”

“Yes we are”

“You are very much in denial, we are not, I love Baberella”

“There is no Baberella Shu.
Shu, come with me”

“No”

“Well I guess I can’t force you”, she sits down

“What do you mean you can’t force me? You can carry me”

“What? I can't do that”

“Ok, Alley, what do you want to show me”

I follow her as we walk through the class asking people if they know Baberella; everyone tells me that there is no one named Baberella in this class.

I can’t pay attention in class, why is Alley acting so passive, why did Baberella suddenly turn in to chopsticks and why doesn’t anyone here acknowledge her existence?

I run out of the room and run to the house me and Baby have been living at. I knock on the door, it’s an old hag who offers me cats and her poetry. I ask her about Baberella, my love, and she tells me she is Baberella.

My mind desperately searches for an answer: there must have be some sort of time warp that has only affected her.

“Baby, I think there’s been some sort of timewarp that has affected only you. But I still love you Baby, please try to remember me” I say

“O, wait, I think I do remember something” responds the old hag “come on in sonny and we can have some sex”

“Ok”

I go in and take off my pants, but the old hag said my penis was too small and didn’t want to have sex with me. Then she tells me, she’s not Baberella, she only said it because she thought she could have sex with me, but now she doesn’t want to.

“Damn you, you old hag. So it wasn’t a time warp… where’s Baberella, what has happened to this house, where’s all her stuff.”

The old hag tells me she’s been living here for 110 years, there’s no such person as Baberella, then scratches me and tells me to leave the house.

“Leave my house you crazy bum” she yells *scratch scratch

I run out the house. How could this be, my mind is scrambling for answers. Could it actually be possible that I had imagined the whole thing, that Baberella always has just been a pair of chopsticks? It can’t be, I know there’s a Baby and I love her. It’s real, it’s all real. But then again, if I’m crazy, how would I know. But I don’t believe it, I refuse to believe it.

“BBBBAAAAAABBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” I scream out loud

Alley is behind me, she’s weeping

“Shu… what are you doing… what’s wrong with you”

She holds me tight…

What’s going on, what’s going on; I grasp for air dramatically

“Get away from me Alley, it’s Baberella I love”

“There’s no such thing as Baberella, we’re in love!” she weeps

I run away

“SSSSHHHHHHUUUUUU!!” Alley screams out

The old lady walks out and throws a cat at her “Stop yelling, or I’ll throw me cats at ye”

Chapter2 – This chapter is a…

I’m sitting in class the next day. Alley comes by and kisses me in the face and sits next to me. She starts touching me.

“Listen Alley, I’m not completely sure what’s happened with this whole Baberella business, but I’m convinced she exists and I can’t be with you”

“O stop it, you’re talking nonsense” Alley says and kisses me

She asks me to go see the art gallery after class, I said no, but she drags me to go with her. The art gallery was alright

She asked me to walk her back home, I said no, but she dragged me along. A fog appeared around us all of a sudden, I knew this wasn’t normal, it was a demon.

I take Alley and run; mystic hands grab us and hold us.

The demon appears in front of us.

“Ho mortals, I have come for thy lives”

“Alley run, I’ll handle this” I tell her

“I won’t leave you Shu, no matter what…”

She takes my hand, we scream together and together we defeated the mighty demon.

“HA! I knew you loved me!” She says happily

“I don’t”

“Nay Shu! Only the power of love is strong enough to defeat that demon. If you didn't love me, we both would have died”

***

A knock on my door, it’s Alley. She walks in, without asking. She walks to the couch and sits down comfortably, I walk by and sit on the floor. We watch some trailer park boys.

It gets pretty late

“Do you want to go to sleep soon” she asks

“I don’t care that much, you can stay and watch more t.v with me if you like, whenever you’re ready to leave, I’ll sleep”

“I will have sex with you”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Because I love Baberella”

“Baberella doesn’t exist!” She says angrily, she walks by the window, punches through it, then walks back “Then I will stay here and watch t.v with you forever”

We sit and watch infomercials for 5 hours before she falls asleep. I turn off the t.v and go to sleep.

***

“Shu, wake up, I want to have sex with you”

“Baberella…?” I respond drowsily

She smacks me

“Alley! Alley! Alley! you whore!” she says “Stop being gay, you love me”

“No, it’s Baberella” I point to the corner of the room “can’t you see her?” I push Alley off, Baberella is standing at the end of the room. I walk up to her, but suddenly she’s not there, in her place a pair of chopsticks…

I rub my head

“Damnit, chopsticks? Just chopsticks?!”

“Shu, what’s wrong with you” Alley is holding me “Shu, I want so much to care for you, please let me”

“Alley…. why are you doing all this, say I really am this nut who believes he’s in love with a pair of chopsticks. Why do you want me?”

“Because I love you Shu, and you love me too”

“I… no I don’t”

“Yes! Yes you do, you ass”

“Do I…?”

“Yes! Yes you do, you ass”

***

Professor North drifts in to one of his real life analogies, “My daughter, for one, believes that for those truly willing to love, there isn't a thing that can stand in their way.”

I raise my hand “What about a lack of those who would return that love”

“She doesn't think it is essential”

I raise my hand again "What about a lack of those who would accept that love"

"She believes even that is not essential"

He goes back in to the play, I interrupt him, “May I have your daughter’s phone number, I would very much like to have her love”

A few girls chuckle, one girl stands up and walks up to me

“I’m his daughter, and you can have it”

“And I’ll you give you my love too”

She smiles “Ok, my name is Alley”

***

I snap awake

Was that real? Did that happen? I don’t remember that at all

No, I met her just a few days ago, she came up to me and asked me out and I said no.

This was just a dream, I think.

Alley mumbles something beside me, I jump “what are you doing here, didn’t you leave?”

“No”, she responds

“Get off my bed please”

“Why?”

“Get off my bed please, we’re not together, Baberella is real, and I love her”

She gets off my bed, picks up a chair and smacks me in the head with it.

“Snap out of it Shu! Only 30 minutes ago we got back together and you told me you love me again, don't you remember!”

“I don’t remember this… Do you hit me a lot?”

“I hit you when you’re being a fucking idiot, so yeah I been hittin’ you a lot. You won’t admit that you love me!”

“Ok, that might explain it…”

“Explain what?”

“I think I’m losing my memories, so maybe I do love you and maybe Baberella really doesn’t exist”

“Yeah, Shu, that’s exactly right, I’m real she’s not”

“Ok, I think that’s a possibility”

“So you love me”

“Ok, I love you”

Alley bursts in to tears, and hugs me

“I’m so happy Shu” she showers me with kisses… and I kiss her back

***
I wake up the next day

“Alley what are you doing in my bed! It’s Baberella that I want”

"WHAT?!"

“Just kidding!”

“O Shu!”

We make out

“I love you Shu, tell me you love me too”

Suddenly, Baberella is standing beside her, she smacks her “Get off of him you bitch!”

Me: AWHAAAA?!

***

Shu: Baberella? Alley do you see her?
Alley: No
Baberella: Shu, I’m real, Alley is lying to you
Shu: Did you just hear Baby speak?
Alley: No, she’s not real

Baby punches Alley, alley falls down and says ouch

Shu: You just said ouch
Alley: No I didn’t, you just imagined it
Shu: But you’re on the floor
Alley: No I’m not, I’m on the bed, you imagined me being a floor
Baberella: You bitch witch bitch

Baberella kicks her, Alley flys and crashes to the wall.

Baberella: Shu, Alley is a witch, she turned me in to chopsticks and then lied to you to make you think you’re going insane in order to make you believe you love her

Alley leaps back and kicks Baberella, Baberella breaks through the wall on the other side.

Alley: That’s not true Shu
Shu: Did you just hear what she said and responded to it?
Alley: No I didn’t, I didn’t hear anything, you imagined my response, I’m still on the bed with you, I didn’t say anything just now
Shu: You’re fighting Baberella right now and you’re destroying the entire house
Alley: That’s not true, there is no Baberella, I’m still on the bed with you, you’re just imagining it, to me you are staring towards no where right now.

Baberella jumps back and uppercuts Alley, Alley flies through the roof

Babe: Shu, I’m real! Trust me, I love you

Alley, dives down from the roof and knees Baberella in to the ground

Shu: Alley are you lying to me
Alley: I am, I mean no I’m not
Shu: Well are you or aren’t you?
Alley: I’m not, you only imagined the part where I said I am
Shu: I think you’re lying to me
Alley: Shu, believe what you want to believe
Shu: I think you’re lying to me
Alley: Ok fine Shu, it’s true I am lying to you, I’m sorry
Shu: Did you get our classmates to lie too, you must have cast a different sort of spell on them. And the demon, did you summon him.
Alley: Yes and yes Shu, it’s all true

Baberella jumps up from the ground and throws a million darts toward Alley, Alley is killed.

Alley: rats

Baberella and I embrace

Baberella: Shu, I’m so glad to be back, I love you
Shu: I love you too Baby

***

I wake up and go to class, Baberella isn’t there, Alley is

“Alley you’re not dead?”

“What are you saying Shu!?”

“Where’s Baberella? Did you turn her in to a chopstick again?”

“There is no Baberella Shu, and what are you talking about turning her in to a chopstick. What wrong with you Shu” Alley falls in to my lap and cries

“Why are you sad and not angrily beating me? Wait a minute, I understand now, this is how you really are; the last chapter of my life was but dream... or so I think...”

“What?”

Chapter 3 - Alley and I fall back(?) in love

“Shu, I will stick by you until you get over this, no matter how long it takes and no matter what I have to do because I love you”

“O Alley, don’t do that, I know there is a Baby, there isn’t a piece of proof anywhere, but I know she exists. It’s impossible to change how I feel, and I’ll love her as long as I feel the way I do”

“You’ll love her if she doesn’t exist?!”

“She does exist, I believe she exists”

“Shu, I’m not asking for anything from you, but let me love you. Just let me be with you”

“I think I’ll hurt you baby, I don’t want you to do that”

“Then hurt me” She takes out a knife, she cuts off her pinky finger “Pain can kiss my ass, for I love you”

I look at my hand, my pinky is missing too; she holds up her pinkyless hand, I take it in mine… we stare at each other like retards for a minute

I throw her hand away and turn from her, “No! I cut off my pinky for Baberella! It’s her that I love!”

“Shu… don’t you remember anything… you cut it off for me…”

Her hands are around my waist, she leans on me

“I won’t leave you Shu, because I believe in you and I believe in us. You can hurt me, you can choose not to love me, but you can’t turn away my love”

“Ok”

“Listen Shu, I’m going to go pee, but can you wait for me”

“Ok”

Exuent Alley

“Now that I am alone
I have a chance to talk to myself
And in the form of a monologue,
reveal my intentions
To rid of her love
For in troth I want it not
I need must turn her away
Perchance do some small hurt
To turn away hurt much greater
Now I shalt break my feeble promise
To wait for the conclusion of her pee
And depart rather”

Exuent

***

She comes to my house, looking beautiful as she always does. She asks me to eat with her, I tell her I already ate, then she asks if she can just come in and hang out with me.

“Sure”

We sit a while

“Do you want anything Alley”

“I want you Shu”

…

“Alley, sure I’ll go out to dinner with you”

“Didn’t you already eat”

“Yeah, but baby I'll eat with you anyways”

I’ve been acting like a jerk and did unmentionable wrongs to her in the past week, I’ve made her cry time and time again, but she isn’t fazed. I have to stop it. I really ought to do something nice for her.

“O and I almost forgot” handing her a necklace “I saw this at a street vendors, I thought it looked really pretty so I bought it for you”

“O thanks Shu”

***

1 year later

“There is no Baberella” I say without any doubt in my voice. I sink in to Alley’s embrace, I shower her with kisses, “I love you so much Alley…”

“I know Shu, I love you too”

“Alley… I’m so sorry about what I put you through this past year, I was a delusional ass. I love you”

“Shu, I’d have kept at it a million and one years if I had to”

She raises my head

“You’re crying…” She says; she licks the tears off my face and my eyes “… your tears are the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten”

“That’s because these are tears of love and joy baby, and everything taste better with love”

Chapter 4 - Baberella Returns

Baberella Act 3

2005-10-30T22:07:00.000-06:00

I got pregnant yesterday, and Baberella turned out to be an alien. A baby will claw out of my stomach killing me in one week

I throw up

"Ugh, what the hell is happening to me?"

"O my god, I think you're pregnant" says Baberella

"That's a great joke baby, I really enjoyed that"

"I'm serious, Shu... there's something I have to tell you, I'm from another planet. And gosh, I had forgotten about this, but I think on our planet when two people mate, it’s the man that gets pregnant and the baby crawls out of his stomach killing him, like in that alien movie."

"Well that’s a lot to take in, but alright"

"O golly, I'm really sorry Shu, I've been here a long time, 20 years and I forgot about this. My memory isn't very good"

"That's ok Baby, my memory isn't very good either; that's why we're together baby, because we have a lot in common"

"O man! I'm really pissed off that I forgot about this... and I'm sorry I lied to you again, but I was on a mission and I wasn't suppose to tell no body that I was an alien."

"It's ok baby, I knew you were too beautiful to be human anyways.
What kind of mission are you on?"

"Ummm, get information, make report, you know no big deal" chuckles nervously

"O, was that why you were blowing all those men to get some sort of semen sample or something?”

“No
Anyways I’m real sorry about killing you, but I’ll treat you real good until you die”

“I know you will baby. And, baby don’t feel too bad, 9 month with you will is better than 20 years I’ve lived thus far and maybe plus another 20 years, so I’ll be dying a 40 year old man baby and I'll be seein riches, fine bitches and hittin' switches til then baby, I'll justify that death.”

"Actually, your only gonna live about a week, but I’ll treat you real good for a week, real real good Shu. I mean I’ll do my best"

***

“You didn’t show up for your midterm”

“Yeah, but it’s ok, I’m going to die in one week”

“O, well alright then”

***

“Ok, cya later, take care”

“I won’t, I’ll die at the end of the week”

“O, alright then”

***

Ok, the week went by, I guess it was pretty good, but it wasn't that good or anything

"So I guess this is it, thanks for a slightly above average week"

"Not quite yet Shu… I’ve saved the best for last"

Ricky Martin walks out,

I clutch my face and hyperventilate "O my god..."

he starts singing

...

I look at Baberella "O baby, this could not be anymore perfect"

A single tear streaks down my face

"Wonderful... this is just wonderful. This is exactly how I always imagined I would die... I love you baby..."

...

The baby alien craws out, and I die.

...But wait, a twist, the baby alien is me! I’m alive!

"O wait, now I remember, the baby is you, you don't actually die, it's just like shedding skin.” she slaps me. "Dammit, you’re not even going to die, I treated you good for no reason, you used me"

“hahaha, o Baberella!” we say together

Baberella Act2

2005-10-11T13:30:00.000-06:00

They beat the shit out of her as they laugh and gang fuck her. I run in and stab them.

...

"O shit" Baberella says... then sing songy "awwwwkwwwwaaard"

***

"Shu... I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you from the start, I enjoy giving blowjobs to large groups of men and getting beaten"

"... but... but you're a cats person, who hangs out with cats and writes poetry"

"O Shu, I am, but I'm also this"

"Why"

"I don't know, I just like being beat up, I like being sexually humiliated, I guess I'm a bit perverted. It really feels kinda beautiful when you get it." She takes a breath "But c'mon you know I love you. Those people don't mean anything to me, I mean you just fucking stabbed them and they're all lying on the floor dying and I'm here trying to work things out with you."

"How many?"

"O come on Shu"

"Tell me. How many cocks have you sucked"

"Shu please"

"I want to know"

"...576"

"576!!! Is that including me?!"

"...No, but we haven't had sex yet or anything"

"576 cocks! My girlfriend has sucked 576 cocks!!"

One dying guy looks up and croaks quite impressed "In a row?"

We stare at him, he lies back down.

"Please calm down" she says

"Well can you stop"

"I don't know"

"Maybe I can try to abuse you a little or something"

"I don't think so... no offense you're a bit soft"

"FUCK YOU!" I smack her, she falls to the ground

"Owwww Shu! I don't mean physical abuse"

"O I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it"

"See what I mean?"

I turn away dramatically

"Dammit! Why can't our love be enough baby!"

"Shu please, I love you more than anything in the world. I may blow large groups of men, but none of them mean shit to me. This doesn't change anything, I'm still me! Come on, you love me, you do, come on."

"Sigh, I don't know."

"Come on"

"Yeah... I do love you, maybe this doesn't matter"

"Thanks Shu, I love you. I love blowing groups of big mean men too, but not as much as you, I'll try my ever bestest to stop, I promise"

"Alright"

"ESKIMO kiss!" she says "O c'mon" she nudges me

"Alright..."

"ESKIMO kiss!" we say together and eskimo kiss

Baberella Act I

2005-10-09T09:27:00.000-06:00

"I hope, I'm not being too blunt, but baby, I really like you're face, it is the most beautiful face that I've ever seen. *breathes hard, I've been too scared to talk to you, (runs out of breaths and coughs) my heart pounds so hard I can't breathe baby - that's why I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't talk - but now, I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I could die just talking to you, but I'll do it anyways. O I've been staring at you since the first day of class baby!"

“Boy, you sure sound excited” she says

“O baby, when I’m with you, I got passion to spare baby!” *coughs harder

"Well you are certainly are being blunt. But it is a bluntness that I mind not, o speak again good sir"

"O baby, it makes me sick, how beautiful you are!"
*cough "O you're an angel baby, god must have spent an extra day doing you and if I had half a chance I'll do you every day for the rest of eternity. Baby, I know you're way out of my league, *coughing but I gotta ask this anyways, because my heart can't allow me to for but one second more ask it not, o baby, can you allow me the honor and privelege of loving you? "

"Yeah, alright, I guess "

"O, O baby!"
but unfortunately I cough harder and harder and have a heart attack

***

I wake up in the hospital

“Hey” I say smiling

"Hey you, wow, I've never had anyone be so excited over me to have a heart attack before. Are you going to keep doing this?”

“O baby, you’re beautiful enough to give me a hundred heart attacks. But you don't gotta worry about that, cuz now that I have you, I want life way too much to die”

“So what’s your name”

“I'm Shu”

“I’m Baberella”

“Yeah I know baby, I looked on your essay assignment before handing mine in because I wanted to know your name.”

“Ok. So how’s school?”

“I love it baby, well I hated it I guess, but not anymore, now that I have you I got even enough love to spare things I hate.”

“Well that’s good”

“O Baby it’s good alright! I’ve never been gooder in my life! Baby, do you know when I can get out of this curse'd hospital room, I can’t wait another second to take you out baby!”

The doctor enters

“You can leave right now, you’re cured” says the doctor

“O thanks doc, c’mon, baby, I’m takin’ you dancin’”

“O gee, listen, I really appreciate the offer, and really thanks alot, but (whispering) I don't like Chinese people” the doctor says

“O shucks, I ain’t talking to you doc, I’m talking to Baby baby!”

I extend my hand to Baby, she takes it smiling, and we run out the door.

Karen O Becomes Possessed by a Great Demon

2005-09-26T23:33:00.000-06:00

I woke up today to find Karen O staring at me wide eyed smiling.

“O hey, ummm… can I help you?”

“I’m Karen O, from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs”

“O wow... , what are you doing here”

"O nothin" she says and smiles wide eyed “wanna smoke some weed?”

“O thanks Karen O, but I’m late for work”

“Can I come with?”

“I don’t know if you'd want to, it's pretty boring where I work”

“Sure I do"

“Well alright”

We pass by a fan on the way

“Holy fuck, aren’t you Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs?” says the passerby

“Yes I am” says Karen O

“Wow, can I get your autograph?”

“Sure” Karen O says

She takes her time

“Should I wait for you” I ask

She glares at me a second then goes back and slowly signs the autograph chitchatting as she goes.

“O Karen O!” I say cutely angry

***

I’m very late for work. She hides under the table while I work, talking to me.

“Karen O, not that I mind or anything, but why did you suddenly start talking to me and following me around”

“Why not?” she replies

…

“Karen O, why don't you get out from under that table, everyone can see you anyways” I say

“You’re paranoid, you should smoke some weed with me” says Karen O

“Maybe after work”

“O man! This place is boring! hey I’m going to go to the washroom” says Karen O

She was not the same once she came back. She keeps howling and making animal sounds

“Are you ok?” I ask

“Grooooarrr” she says back and bites the head of a rabbit she pulled from her pants

***

I realize there is something wrong. I told my team that I had cramps and I took her outside. At first I thought maybe she was on drugs but soon I realized it was something supernatural, I got the idea after seeing her pull out her 30th rabbit to eat, for I realize, 30 rabbits could not have all been stored in her pants beforehand without me noticing.

I have no experience with the supernatural but as luck would have it, I look up and there is a psychic readings house right in front of me. A wonderful coincidence, I walk in.

Psychic: Pleasant morn, Shu
Shu: Thou knowest my name
Psychic: aye and thy business too
Shu: I come for the sake of Lady Karen O, whose maladies suspects supernatural causes
Psychic: Aye, I told you, I already know
Shu: Aye

Psychic: Wish you know the cause?
Shu: Aye
Psychic: A great demon spirit Imm’Gay controls of her body
Shu: How’st possible
Psychic: A portal to hell has formed in the washroom of AGFA, the company in which thou dost work
Shu: How saves her canst I
Psychic: If wishes thou save her to, thou must’st travel’st in to hell and defeat the demon Imm’Gay. A great perilous journey
Shu: How get there canst I

The psychic reveals the door to hell which happens to be in the back of the room

Shu: Thou art no ordinary psychic
Psychic: Aye, I am the great archangel Shishkabob and the guardian of the door to hell
Shu: May I enter through the door
Shishkabob: Thou canst not, a key thou needst, a dragon hath ate. For accidently cooked it in to a pie I didst, a pie which the dragon hath ate. Slay the dragon, and enter thou may.
Shu: Alas great archangel Shishkabob, I have not the means to slay such a creature as he
Shishkabob: I shalt teach you all the magic I know
Shu: Ok then

Shishkabob teaches me magic

Shu: Aye, thanks great angel Shishkabob, I shalt now slay the great beast
Shishkabob: Hold thee horses. I have for thee tis enchanted platemail and tis long sword that can shoot fire. Now get thee gone… and fare thee well... fare thee well...
Shu: Aye

I take Karen and fly to the den of the great dragon

Shu: Dragon, come out, I have come to slay thee
Dragon: Who calls me, the great dragon Smelly’Poop. What mortal, what business have thou with me
Shu: Thou has eaten the key to hell, which now I must slay thou to retrieve
Dragon: Why don’t thou try me
Shu: I plan to

The dragon breathes fire on me, I raise my sword and shoots fire to block it, he starts to over power me.

Shu: Poseidon, great lord of the 11 seas
Who likes to eat cheese and peas
Hear my pleas
I call for water to fire cease
HYDRO BLAST!

Dragon: Aye, thy water hast put out my flames
Shu: Aye, now die dragon
Dragon: Aye, I die now

I find the key.

Shu: Come Karen O

We start flying back to the Shishkabob. On the way back, I see a hot girl, walking on the street, she’s not wearing too much and it’s chilly out. I can never walk, or I suppose fly, away from a good looking girl in need, I drop down.

“Hi there girl” I say
“Hi, did you just fly?”
“Yeah I did, aren’t you cold?”
“Yeah it’s freezing now; it wasn’t very cold when I came out in the afternoon.”
“Well here take my jacket” I say
“How will I give it back to you?”
“Where are you going right now?”
“The bus stop”
“Well you can take my jacket and I’ll walk you there”
“Alright, thanks”

…

“Well here it is, thanks a lot” says she
“It’s no problem”

I’m about to leave

“Wait a minute” she says “I’m kind of hungry, I don’t know, do you want to maybe get some dinner with me”
“Damn, I really would like to, but I have to go to hell and fight Imm’Gay, the great demon who has taken possession of Lady Karen O here”
“O… that’s why Karen O kept biting rabbits’ heads off”
“Yeah”

Girl: Well good sir, take thee this, for it shalt aidst thou in the fight with Imm’Gay the great demon
Shu: Thou art not an ordinary girl, what art thou
Girl: I am god
Shu: GET THEE OUT!
Girl: I jest, I jest, I be but a simple demon hunter
Shu: Ah… haha… well demon hunter, what do I do with this gift
Girl: thou wilst know of its device when thou needst
Shu: Thanks, and canst I have thou number, maybe we can go out at some other time
Girl: sorry, bus comes, I wish not to hold up everyone

Girl starts to walk on the bus

Shu: Perchance thou canst chewest some very minty gum, with thy breath freeze the window pane and with thy finger writest the number upon it

Girl: Gum, I have not

***

Shu: Archangel Shishkabob, I have returned with the key
Shishkabob: Ok, go thee to hell
Shu: Aye

Shishkabob: Wait… Fair thee well Shu… fair thee well…

I nod

Shu: Aye

Shu goes in to hell

Gatekeeper: Halt mortal, what business have thou!?

Shu: What art thou?

Gatekeeper: What art thou!? Speak before thou diest!

Shu: Thou needst not tell me who thou art, for I know who thou art, thou art rude.

Gatekeeper: Aye, thou comes in to my house, thou shouldst tell me who thou art, if thou dost not tell me who thou art, then I will not tell you who am I.

Shu: Yeah well askst first I did and yelling I did not, which thou didst

Gatekeeper: I be the great Gatekeeper to hell, tis my house thou entered, I owe thee no introduction.

Shu: Ha, but thou just didst introduce thyself

Gatekeeper: Curses! Silence mortal!

…

Gatekeeper: No I mean speak, what art thou?!

Shu: I will tell thee my business, though out of but courtesy, and not of thy lameass threats, I be the Waterloo student Shu, I come to slay the great demon Imm’Gay

Gatekeeper: Lameass threats?! Impudence!!

Fires of hell
Of which spawned dell
Great demons who hath fell
Fuel my spell
BURNING FIERY HELL!

O Great Beethovan
Light of heavens
I beg of your strength to be given
BEETHOVAN HEAVEN’S THOUSAND SYMPHANIE BLAST!

Gatekeeper: Thou defelected my Burning Fiery Hell, one of the best spells in all of hell

Shu: Aye, now die

I leap to the Gatekeeper, sword out.

Gatekeeper: FIRE SHIELD!
Shu: COUNTERSPELL!

I slice through the gatekeeper with my sword

Gatekeeper: Aye I have underestimated thee

Shu: Thou heldst thou breath gatekeeper, but I needst not thy nod to pass

Gatekeeper: Aye, I am defeated and so I shalt guide thee where thou dost needs go. But be warned, thou wilst not defeat the great demon spirit Imm’Gay.

Gatekeeper snaps his fingers, a row of fire guides the way

Gatekeeper: Follow that path, his fortress thou shalt find. Now I die
ahhhh arggg

***

Shu: Great demon Imm’Gay, I have come to ask thou to release Lady O Karen from thy spell.
Imm’Gay: I shalt do it not
Shu: Then I wilt slay thou
Imm’Gay: HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! Thou art funny, I will make thou jester of my court

Shu: DEVOURING BURNING LIGHT!

Imm’Gay deflects the spell with just a finger

Shu: WHAT!?

Imm’Gay: DEATH HELIX!
Shu: BATHE IN LIGHT!

A shield of light protects me from the great demon’s spell

Imm’Gay: ULTIMATE SPELL - MEGADEATH WILDFIRE!

Shu: aaahhhhh arg! Ahhhhhh foul foul!

Imm’Gay: Art thou slain

Shu: Not

If not for my magical armor, I would have surely died, but he is much more powerful than I imagined and I may not survive another spell. But I can’t leave Lady Karen O unsaved, she is one of my favorite rockstars.

Imm’Gay: Rise mortal, I’ll spare thy life, thou canst be my jester HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR

I take out the secret weapon that girl gave me. This is perhaps my last chance. It’s a bowl and there is an inscription on it. I read the incantation, power courses through my body

Shu: SUPER ULTIMATE SPELL – ABSOLUTE DESTROY

Imm’Gay: Wahhh? This can not be
Aye it be… I die

Shu:
Aye

***

“You did great Shu” says Shishkabob “you have slain a great demon and done a great deed for the world”

“Hi Shu, thanks for saving me and all” says Karen O

“O yeah, don’t mention it”

“Well, do you want anything”

“O I don’t know, it’s ok, I guess”

“Well alright… I have to go now, and have sex with Spike”

“Ok, bye Karen O, it was nice meeting you”

Leslie and Emily

2005-08-17T14:24:00.000-06:00

“So where did you buy this tobacco”
“The cigarette shop”

we laugh “hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha”

“You’re really fun Shu, I’m Emily”
“Well you’re really sweet Emily, I’m Shu”

I just had a deja vu as I was saying those words

“I just had a déjà vu as I was saying those words” I say
“No way, I just had a one too” she says
“No way” I say
“Way. It really makes you wonder though doesn’t it. Deja vus I mean, like maybe the future is already set and all that”
“Yeah, it’s kinda weird”

“So hey, do you want to go out” I ask her
"Where"
"Anywhere"
"With you?"
"Yes, me"
“Well alright"

So we go out and we’re having a good time when she leaps off me and goes up to a really pretty and nerdy looking girl and hugs her. Emily introduces her to me as her best friend from high school whom she hasn’t seen for two years.

"Shu, this is Leslie. She's like super smart, she’s going to like Stanford or like some good school like that for like some sort of super biology enhancing weird shit or something. She’s really cool and smart, she’s planning on taking over the world or something like that right?”

“Yep” says Leslie

"And umm, Les, that's Shu, ummm, I don't know, I guess he goes to school or something"

She looks at me

"Hi Shu..."

“Hi Lessie…”

Leslie invites us back to her place afterwards. She shows us her lab, it looks absolutely nuts.

“Whoa, that’s pretty nuts” Emily says
“Thanks”

Emily clings to Leslie’s every word, some of the plans she’s got for taking over the world, to be frank, was making me a tad uncomfortable, but I shouldn’t judge until I actually see it happen I guess.

When we are alone she tells me she still loves me

"It's good to see you again Lessie"

"It's good to see you too" she says "I still love you"

“O gee Lessie, I’m dating your friend Emily now”

She punches the wall, the wall collapses

“Wow, gee you’re pretty strong”

“O thanks” she smiles

Awkward pause

"So that Emily sure is something huh"

Leslie says ugh and walks away. I haven't seen her after that, Emily's been hanging out with her more and more though, it would appear she's a little in love with her

***

“Oops, I dropped my smoke” Emily says. The smoke rolls under a car, she reaches for it, but can’t find it. She stands up, lifts the car up in one hand and then picks up the smoke.

“Where were you yesterday” I ask again

“I was out with Leslie”

“You've been acting really weird”

“O jeez, don't tell me you're jealous you faggot”

“Last night you cried out her name in your sleep”

“O, what are you my mother?”

“I'm sorry, I'm just a little concerned about you. You've really been acting very strange, like lifting that car up just now, I don't think you're suppose to be able to do that "

“Why are you pulling my dick Shu? I can do whatever the fuck I want, I don't have to answer to you"

I stare at her and she notices

"What are you looking at?"

"You... have some facial hair growing out..."

She touches herself, her face is covered in facial hair which has erupted from her skin in the last few seconds; it grows to cover her face, her body down to the floor…

"So?" she answers

***

Emily has been acting more and more strange, everyday she become less intelligent and her body and face is become deformed. She’s put on about 50 pounds of muscle just now, and I mean just now; she drools and has trouble forming words.

She's barely been hanging out with me, instead opted to spend most of her days with Leslie.

“She’s doing something to you Emily, look at yourself”

“O c'mon, I'm just going through a phase, you probably just don't understand because it's a girl thing”

“You put on 50 pounds in the last 4 seconds.”

“Shu, shtop talking about Leshlie, she would ne’er do anything bad to me, she lovesh me” she says in a suddenly slow and deep voice

“Emily she’s turning you in to a monster for god’s sakes.”

“Shu, I don’t shink we should shee each other anywore” her drool falls to the floor and it doesn’t seem like she even noticed “I’m shorry but I’m in love wish her… talk about her again and I’ll kill you”

“Emily, I love you, and I’ll save you”

She swings her arm, I’m hit by a train.

The next time I saw her, she’s more a pet than a person. Leslie sat on her shoulders giving her diabolic commands.

***

I push Leslie away and turn to Emily

“Leslie is destroying you”

"Fukdsh dyou!" Emily growls back and kicks me sending me flying and crashing in to the wall.

“Emily!” Leslie walks over and smacks her. Emily kneels in front of her and whimpers. Leslie kicks her “Don’t you ever hit Shu again”

Leslie walks to me

“Stop doing whatever you’re doing” I beg

“Shu, be with me… I can give you the world”

“Ok, let Emily go”

“No.”

She turns and looks at Emily and turns back. “Shu, she never loved you, I fucked her up bad, that’s true, but I didn’t put any thoughts in her head, she’s always loved me and never you. Stop worrying about her. I love you”

She kisses me and I pull away. She kneels in front of me and clutches my face

“Shu I can give you the world…”

I pull away and stand up

“Lessie… I really appreciate it, but you’re fucked up. I'm not going to be with someone that'll go to such extents to take over the world and I don't want to be with someone that would do this to her best friend. I'm sorry, but I'm going to keep trying to save her"

"Shu, she begged me to do it, she wanted to do anything to please me. Why do you think she never told you when I first started experimenting on her. That bitch is insane"

"She's not insane, you're insane"

"I'm not insane, fuck, shu, fuck. She’s nothing! She’s nothing compared to me, can’t you see that, are you blind?!” she takes a breath “It’s always been about fucking Emily, she’s so nice, so sweet, so pretty. Nobody gave a shit about me, she’s not even in my fucking class, she can’t compare to me. Look at her, she’s disgusting, I’m so much more and no one gave a shit about me.”

“O come on, you're pretty fucking insane."

"I'm not insane, I'm sane"

"No way, you're insane"

"I'm not, fuck you"

"Yes you are"

"Are you as turned on as I am right now?" she turns to kiss me

"For fucksake Lessie, maybe a little bit, but I told you, I'm going to save Emily"

"You can't, it's too late for her, she's all gone and she’s not coming back and it won't matter how many times you say won’t you come back. Besides, she's perfectly happy with me, the way she is". Emily gallops over, Leslie strokes her face and kisses her, Emily purrs

"yeah, that's a good Emily"

She turns back towards me, "Shu, don't you see, she wants to be my slave, she's always wanted it, you have no right to take it away, I'm not lying to you, I'll take a lie detector test anytime"

"Fine set up a lie detector test"

"No, I don't want to, just believe me"

"No, take a lie detector test"

"No, I changed my mind, I'm not lying but it's too degrading that you wouldn't believe me so I'm not going to do that"

"Fuck"

"You can't do anything about this Shu, just forget it, c'mon, let's go dancing"

"No, sorry but I'm going to leave. And when I figure out a way to save her I will"

"O c'mon"

"No c'mons. Cya later"

"Alright, cya later"

The Ugly Woman Who Loved Me

2005-07-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

I’m on the subway home and this disgustingly ugly woman comes over, sits next to me, farts and tells me her problems. I try to talk her out of killing herself, but words weren’t enough so I take out some time and show her the wonders of life, she’s very appreciative and tells me so.

“I love you” she says
“… I’m sorry… I don’t feel the same toward you”
“I can’t stop thinking about you now”
She farts
“I’m sorry…”

You’d expect her to leave, but she doesn’t, she wraps her disgustingly fat arms around me and I’m just too nice to take them off. She gets up when I get up and follows me to my house.

“I’m sorry, what are you doing?” I ask
“Walking” she answers

I walk in to the house and she stands by the door.

“Do you want something?”
“May I come in?”
“I suppose”

We watch some t.v and then she crashes in my room. She leaves grease marks where she sits, pieces of her skin are falling off, blood is being left from popped pimples which cover her skin and she reeks of bad smells. But she said she loves me and she’s completely put herself out there to be hurt and as disgusted as I am, I can’t just throw her out, not now.

I’m quiet when I puke…

We have lunch with my parents the next day. My mom asks me in Chinese why I have such an ugly girlfriend and eventually screams and break down in tears at how ugly she is.

“She’s not my girlfriend” I told her back once again, “she just kind of followed me home”

I had hoped in a few days she would calm down and see that she’s not in love and leave, or at least the atmosphere would change so that she is now taking advantage of my kindness at which point I’d have no trouble chucking her, maybe even killing her. Neither has occurred, she’s every bit the sweetest and genuinest person ever with absolutely everything (her love for me especially) and very considerate with the only exception coming when that consideration conflicts with her blinding love for me. My mom’s screaming has only increased and so has my disgust for her physical disgustingness… as a result I haven’t been getting very good sleep.

***

I take her out for a walk, I pick up a rock, I put the rock down. She farts

“Do you mind not farting”

“I’m sorry shu, I can’t help it”

I pick up a rock, I put the rock down. I pick up a rock, I put the rock down. We come back

***

I'm just gonna ignore her, I mean I won’t be mean, I won’t tell her what to do, but she’s not my girlfriend, I’ve never agreed to it. I'm gonna let her do whatever she wants and I'll do whatever I want.

I try to pick up a girl, and she runs up to me and cries then runs away. I go after her to find her crying at a bench, I sit beside her

“...I’m really not your boyfriend, I never agreed to that” I say
“If you leave me, I’ll kill myself, there isn’t anyone but you”

She farts

Well I guess I have to be with her now

“Well, I can’t be a jerk” I say to my friend sometime later “Anyways, I’m just gonna hope she gets hit by a bus or something.”

“I think it’s pretty inconsiderate for someone to say something like that, put you in such an awkward position” says my friend

“Nah, she's just being sweet. I’m just gonna hope she gets hit by a bus or something, o god, if there is a god, she’s going to get hit by a bus”

My friend has an ugly face on him, I hear a familiar fart…

She runs out the door and I run after her, she stands right in the middle of the road for a bus, her disgustingly fat, putrid and ugly face covered with tears; I pull her out of the way just before a bus hits her.

We sit silently on the curb, and I wait for her to calm down.

…

“I wish I was prettier” she says

“O god, I’m really sorry, I wish I was blind, and could not smell… and … could not feel things out”

“We’re soulmates you know” she says and turns away “maybe you don’t know that but it’s true. I have the same soul and I have the same aching in my soul that you have”

I’m quiet

She farts

“I’m going to leave you Shu”

“Will you kill yourself?”

“Just hold me a while will you”

I hold her and I mean it. She farts. She stands up she’s gone

O well

Moments With The Crazy Woman

2005-07-24T22:03:00.000-06:00

"o Baby I burn for you" he says

She walks over and sets him on fire.

He stares at himself burning for a while then drops to the ground

"AHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***

A car drives by me and slows to my pace, the window rolls down to reveal a woman in her mid 20s.

“Hey I think you’re cute, wanna have sex?” says she

"Ok"

She gets out of the car, strips me and fucks me

…

She holds on to me like life, we’ve been sitting for a whole day, and she won't let go

An old man arrives

“O you teenagers… o … sigh… o you teens you”

***

We’re waiting for our food and she gets bored

“I’m bored” she says
I pick up my knife, “Hey, wanna have a knife fight?”
“ok” she smiles and jams a fork in to my hand

I think she took a little seriously... "AHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!" I scream

She comes at my throat with her knife, I pull my hand off the table and drop to ground. She gets off her chair and lunges at me, I roll and just barely avoid the knife. I kick her off me, she stares at me and gnarles - damn she looked sexy, I mean I know I'm close to being death, but damn. She lunges at me again, but luckily the waiter comes with our food; we stop and sit down.

“Was she trying to kill you or something” asks the waiter
“Yeah, I think she’s a little out there” I say back

She picks up parts of an egg with her bloodsoacked fork and eats it, she smiles at me. “mmm, yummy” she says

…

I look up and I see that my building is on fire.
"Shit, I gotta go"
"Why don't you stay awhile, where's the fire tiger"
"There, behind you, in my apartment building"
"o"

***

"Don't let go of me"
"We should go"
"Don't you let go of me you son of a bitch! Don't you dare let go!"
"But I'll gonna burn to death"
"so?"

***

We have sex. She tells me to fuck her dog, I thought she was joking and she he got really angry and beat me.

“You whore, if you don’t love my dog, then you don’t love me”

…

She says to me after “I love you, I’ll never leave you”. She holds me and I believe her.

***

“Umm, hey, my eyes just fell out”
“Holy fuck, I'll call an ambulance, how did your eyes fall out” I ask concerned
“I unno”

“Hey, i'll eat it if you dare me”
“I dare you”

She eats her eyeball
“Ummm, Yummy” she says and laughs maniacally

…

The paramedics arrive, a pretty female paramedic comes out to take this crazy women to the hospital.

“Where is her eye” the paramedic asks me
“I ate it” the crazy woman responds. "Hey, you're real cute, wanna have sex?"

"No, well alright" says the paramedic

They fuck. When they're done, the crazy woman leaves with the paramedic, clutching her as if she can’t be with anyone else. And like that she’s done with me. She comes back at about 5 am to pick up her stuff.

“I’m done with you, I’ve come to pick up my stuff”

“Why don’t you stay a while, where’s the fire”

“In my heart baby, in my heart”

The Damn Bitch I Keep Saving Who Doesn’t Think I’m Good Looking Enough

2005-07-04T22:20:00.000-06:00

I’m jogging through waterloo park around 3am like I usually do, and fantasizing that there’s a girl drowning or getting raped that I could happen to save. Only today, a girl really was drowning. Oooh, lucky day

I take off my jacket and dive in to the ice; I almost die but I save her. What can I say about myself, I’m just a hero, if I see a hot girl in danger, I’ll risk myself to save her.

I’m shivering like hell now and she as well. She's pretty much out actually, I could have raped her if I wanted to, but that's just not the type of thing I could do because it was really cold.

I give her my jacket, I didn't have a phone but there was a museum a few feet away, I hold her tight and takes her there; I break in and call for help

Help comes to take her to the hospital and me to jail. I told the police that I broke in to the museum to save the life of this girl who I rescued. They just beat me up and threw me in jail. I was dying from whatever sickness you get from being really cold, I don't remember what you call it, and I was stuck in jail. The girl didn’t get out of the hospital until two days later at which point she said she can’t remember anything that happened, but she doesn’t think I had saved her.

Anyways, I prostituted myself to the guards and the other inmates for bail and I end up walking back home with my head down, but wouldn’t you know it, my luck changes just like that. On my way home I see a girl getting raped by a couple of pretty small guys; maybe I’ll have a lucky day after all

I beat the rapist guys up and save her. Then I realized it’s the same girl I saved a few days ago, I give her my jacket and hold her as we walk away.

“Gee thanks for saving me"
"I saved you a couple of days ago too and almost died doing it and wound up in jail"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell them you saved me, I couldn't remember anything from that night"
“O that's ok” I respond “who were these guys
“Just some guys who tried to pick me up earlier but I rejected them because I didn’t think they looked good enough for someone like me”
“Ok, do you want to call the cops or something”
“No it’s ok, but could you maybe rough them up a little more for me”
“Well alright”

I go back and rough them up some, the girl I saved is getting a real kick out of it. I walk her back home after.

Things are going really well I’m thinking, there’s no way she won’t go out with me after all this. Not to mention now, the cops will know it really was me who saved her and I’ll get off scottfree, albeit having had to prostitute myself to a bunch of inmates and guards - although I guess some of them really were total hunks

“Well this is where I live, so I guess I’ll see ya alligator” she says
“Yeah alright, say, if you’re not doing nothing tomorrow, maybe can I take you out for some ice cream”
“O, I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend”
…
“O” I say
“Well… do you want to be friends or something?” she asks
“Ummm… no, not really”

So much for my lucky fucking day

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think she’s not too bad a person, she’s very loyal and loyalty is important, so I don't think I be angry over this

Anyways I’m trying to sleep and I hear this racket, there’s a girl screaming. The noise is coming from the building besides mine in UW place, I walk over and throw a rock at the window and yell out my query of “is everything alright”. A guy points a gun at me and shoots and tells me to fuck off.

O I’ll fuck off alright, I’ll fuck off your face, I yell out in response. Then I make for the door. I don’t have the keys to this building so I wait 20 minutes for someone to happen by and open the door. I run up to second floor, but I havn’t a clue which exact room it is. I break through about three doors before finding the guy with the gun raping this girl who I can’t see yet. I caught him with his pants down, I punch him and he punches me, and then I punch him, I win.

The girl turns towards me

“holy fuck, you again?!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walk her home

“So was that you’re boyfriend there?” I ask
“no, just some guy who picked me up at a bar”
“What do you mean he picked you up, I thought you had a boyfriend”
“O ... yeah I just meant like he threatened me with a gun back to his place, I meant like he tried to pick me up and then threatened me with a gun”
“O, ok”

Someone walks up to us

“Hey, what happened, where was that hot guy from the bar?!”

A pause

“What hot guy” says she

...

She runs up to me

“O I’m sorry shu. I really do have a boyfriend. I lied to you about that rapist threatening me back to his place, I did go home with him and it's because it was like just a fun thing, little one nighters is all, no committment. With you, I can’t just have a one night stand you know, my thoughts were if I was with you I’d be with you all the way, I mean you had saved me twice, thrice now; and I couldn’t do that because I’m already committed to someone. And when you asked me the question it just kind of caught me offguard because I didn't want you to get the wrong impression”

“Alright I’ll walk you home”

I tell her I want to come upstairs to pee, she says ok. I go in and ask her roommate if she has a boyfriend

“No, she just sleeps around with any good looking guys she finds”

I turn to her
…
“You’re a bitch”
I walk away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m on my jog again. I hear a familiar scream. O fuck, not this again. I walk up close, it’s this guy just beating up on that damn bitch I keep saving. Well I could definitely see why she gets in trouble so much, she’s a fucking bitch. I walk towards them

“Hey bro, I ain't doing nothing wrong she don't deserve” says the assaulter “I ain’t got no beef with you”

I stand there, should I help her, the guy really is beating the shit out of her. I walk up and kick him in the balls despite myself, he falls down.

I start walking away without saying anything, she runs up to me.

“Shu... I... I’m sorry..., I just can’t be with guys who I don’t find attractive” she sighs “I’d really want us to be friends”

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being a little hard on her, I mean rescuing her doesn’t mean she needs to be with me, if she’s not in to me, then she’s not. Besides I’ve been pretty down and I sure could use a friend right now.

“Alright, sure, let’s be friends”
There’s a weird look on her face
“O shu…” she pauses “I ummm… I don’t really want to be friends with you”
“I’m sorry?”
“O jesus, I’m so sorry, I asked because I didn’t think you’d want to be friends with me after all this. O god, I don’t know even of what to say now, ummm… I know I’m gonna sound like a serious bitch, but I … don’t really want to … be around guys who I don’t think looks that good”
…
“You’re a fucking bitch”
“I’m really sorry, I just, I got a problem, I can’t be with guys that I don’t find attractive, I can’t even bare their prescence… I tried my best not to hurt you” she exclaims
“You’re a fucking bitch”
"If you only knew how bad I feel right now, I'd help it if I could"
"You're a fucking bitch"

I walk away

Everything has been shit lately, I meet this complete bitch, I almost die and was in jail, I got dumped for a pig a few days ago and I got my fucking exams coming up in a week.

Moments With The Woman Who Left Me For A Pig

2005-06-26T20:24:00.000-06:00

“Hey you locked out?” a girl asks me
“Nah, just sittin… power’s out”
“Ain’t you got no friends to hang out with?”
“No”
“Well, do you wanna come upstairs and play with me”
“I’d love to”

I walk upstairs with her

“You have a little pet pig right”
She pauses a second
“Ummm, I guess so, you’ve seen me with it?”
“Yeah, I like to watch you sometimes, well when I can”
“O thanks”

***

“The ribs here are great, I was here just a few days ago with this girl, she’s dead now”
“Well that’s interesting” she says
“Yeah”

***

"If I were a pig where would I be?" she asks me
"The ocean" I answer without a doubt in my mind
"O, and why is that?"
"Because you'd be the cutest pig ever and every other pig would get so angry and jealous and they'd get together and they’d throw you in to the ocean"
She laughs "well, not every other pig, my little piggy would never do anything to me, if I was thrown in to the ocean, she'd dive in after me"

***

"I'm so thirsty I could drink a horse!"

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

“Well, that was alright”

***

"I'm standing at a farm, someone is giving me a blow job then I tell her it's enough. I grab a chicken and say, this will do... she holds the chicken and I fuck it... in the ass... for a long time.
This dream has been haunting me every single day for the last two days. And just now being with you I finally understand it, you see... you are the chicken in my heart."
"Well thanks" she smiles sweetly
there's a slight pause
“yeah…” I sigh “… Mary… I really like you, d’you suppose we could go out sometime”
“O Shu, I love someone else”
“Really?”
“Yeah, sort of” she answers

***

We’re walking back
“Well that was alright”
I suddenly clutch her
“Don’t you see we’re the same?!” I scream “We’re the same… I love you” my voice now just a whisper
…
“I thought of all people you should understand” she says and looks away

***

A comfortable silence…

“You make me feel like I'm not empty”

She doesn’t say anything

“I just don’t get it sometimes you know, I don’t know what I’m doing here, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know a reason. But I know I want you and I know I’m doing you, and I’ll do you good, I’ll do you a hell of a good; a reason to start a new, and the reason is you.”

She stays silent as we walk

***

“Shu, I can’t help it, I found the one I have to be with, I love her…” she looks down, “You know there’s nothing I can do”
“I know it’s pretty fucking weird to be in love with a pig”
She turns away and pauses just briefly, “O shu, you’ll find somebody”
…
“Please don’t leave me”
I rub my head on her lap.

She sits silently a while and waits for me
I pull myself together
“I’m sorry for that”
I walk away

The Adventures of Poop Girl

2005-06-19T19:19:00.000-06:00

I was just doing some reflecting on the toilet when suddenly I feel a head pressed against my ass. I stand up to find a woman composed purely of poop in my toilet.

I: What the mother!

The poop girl pulls herself out of the toilet

Poop girl: Hi, I’m poop girl, I’m made out of radioactive poop
I: O, well hi poop girl
Poop girl: I came to see you, I’m a part of you, I have your DNA from all the blood you’ve lost that flowed in to the sewers because of your hemorrhoids, it was those blood that mixed with the radioactive waste and the surrounding poop to give me life
I: O, well that’s nice, I always wanted a daughter.

I go back on to the toilet

I: Why don’t you take a seat outside, and I’ll come out after I’m done pooping
Poop girl: poop on me, it makes me stronger
I: no I don’t think so

She walks out

I: O wait, do you stain
Poop girl: Yes
I: Alright forget it, let me just wipe my ass, and we’ll go out

I take a walk with poop girl, she’s a curious one

Poop girl: Hey, what’s that
I: That’s a bird
Poop girl: Hey, what’s that
I: That’s a person
Poop girl: O gosh, you’re so smart

We walk across a robbery, I tell her what it is, and I tell her that’s not a good thing to do and decide to show her by example what a great person should do in this situation. I charge at the robbers. They knock me down and stab me with a knife.

Poop girl flies toward them, she shoots out poop from her hands and they cover the robbers’ faces. She then turns in to a stream of poop and dives through one of the robber’s chest. She reforms, the other robber shoots her but the bullets pass right through and poop flows to refill the holes.

He finishes his clip and keeps on clickin…

Poop girl walks up to him, her arms outstretched becomes a stream of poop, it enters through the mouth, the robber croaks and claws at the stream of poop to no avail, he chokes to death.

The surrounding Waterloonians drop their farmer pitchforks and clap.

I: WOW! You were great!
Poop girl: aww shucks

-------------

From then on it’s a media circus, “a neew supehrero have emarged to protect the great citi of Waterbloo!” exclaims the city’s local hick newspaper. Word eventually reached the bad parts of Kitchener and the black supervillain with a girl’s name residing in it.

Ashley: Hmmm, life has meaning again

Ashley drops his farmer pitchfork and makes for the city of Waterloo

-------------

I come home alone; poop girl is out kissing babies. Ashley was waiting for me, I'm kidnapped and raped

I: You’ll never get away with this, poop girl will come to my rescue
Ashley: I’m counting on it
I: You’ll never defeat her
Ashley: O yeah?

Ashley walks over to a menacing object covered by a curtain, he pulls on the curtain to reveal the object

O MY GOD!! NOT EVEN POOP GIRL CAN OVERCOME SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!

I try my damnedest to send a telepathic message to poop girl to warn her, but I don’t think I have that kind of power.

Ashley laughs maniacally and rapes me until I blacked out. I remember from my sex ninja trainings the method of contracting your anus and crushing you’re rapist’s penis, but his was a rock.

"O no, poop girl... o no... o no"

***

I wake up to poop girl lying on the ground defeated. Much like any superhero made out of poop would be in the face of Ashley’s contraption. Ashley isn’t in the room. I run to poop girl and clutch her in my arms.

I: Are you ok? I tried to warn you telepathically but I didn’t have that power
Poop girl: Poop… I need poop…
I: … well ok

I don’t feel any poop coming up, and my ass was sore from the raping, I know I’ll bleed if I try to poop now but I’d sooner bleed to death than let down my daughter. I take off my pants and point my ass at poop girl and start.

Nothing damn

Poop girl: Ashley… I hear his footsteps, he was out getting some fried chicken… and now he’s coming back…
I: I’m trying my best

Dammit, it’s no use, wait, I felt something, it's there. I breath in

I: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

A trickle of blood drops

I: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I spit on my hands and wipe it on my ass

I: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ashley has come back in, he drops his Kentucky fried chicken and runs toward me.

I scream as poop pours out with a stream of blood, Ashley is beside me, he knocks me away. A stream of shit then knocks him down

Ashley: how…?

Poop girl ignores him, she stands up, her eyes are closed and she just breathes

Poop girl: I am rejuvenated by the blood and shit of my father and now you can not defeat me

Ashley: I understand, I am bested, I give up
Poop girl: Alright, well I’m still gonna kill you

Poop girl becomes a stream of poop and enters him through his ass and then expands until Ashley exploded in an explosion of poop.

Poop girl is at my side

Poop girl: I can’t be with you anymore, you’ll always be in danger
I: I don’t want you to leave
Poop girl: and I don’t want to leave you

We kiss, my mouth is filled with poop that is her tongue, o god I’m glad she’s leaving

Poop girl: The city needs me, I can shoot poop out of my hands
I: I understand
Poop girl: Up up and away!

Poop girl flies away

The Girl Who Erased Me

2005-06-05T14:15:00.000-06:00

I check my mailbox as I come home with dinner, a large envelope from a place called Lacunae inc. waits for me. Oooh, I love letters from places I’ve never heard of, there’s always a chance for a surprise in there and you never know what to expect, although I guess there’s usually nothing and I end up getting disappointed. I open the envelop to a find a letter and a tape, the letter reads:

To all patients of Dr Howard Mierzwiak

My name is Mary Spievo, we've met but you don't remember me. I work for a company you hired to have part of your memory erased. I have since decided that is wrong, and in order to correct this, I'm sending everyone's files back to them.

I play the tape:

Hi, my name is Shu and I’m here to erase…

I listen to it, my voice asks for a memory wipe of a girlfriend.

I can’t digest this, all this time, all this desire to be with a girl and I had one? I voluntarily erased her?!

I wondered if anyone knew about this, fuck, times like this having friends would really come in handy, but what you gonna do.

I listen to it all, I was an emotional mess. We'd met during frosh week two years ago and apparently she erased me just before valentines day the following year, never giving me a reason. I don’t mention a phone number, but hopefully she has friends who knew about this and she will be able to call me. Just as I was thinking it, the phone rings, oooh it must be fate. I pick up the phone

“Hi there” says a very sweet sounding female voice, my knees buckle “how happy are you with your current long distance service”
pause
“hello?” she asks
“O I’m sorry, I was just expecting an ex who had her memory of me erased”
There is an awkward silence, she says “o, ok”

Some time passes and still no call, I get desperate. On the tape, I don't mention any contact information other than a first name when I had to refer to her. I check the phone book and call everybody with the first name.

It is 2 days later, I’m at the end of the phone book, I call the last girl; if she’s not it I don’t know what to do. I dial.

“Hello” is the answer
“Hi, I’m Shu, have you recently gotten a letter and a tape telling you, you’ve erased me from your memory”
“No, I don't believe I can say that I have”
“O, ok, well sorry to bother you, you have a good life”

She says wait as I’m about to hang up the phone. She tells me a friend of hers had the same thing happen and she says she’s sorry for what happened to me. I say it’s ok and thank her for her kind words. She says wait again as I’m about to hang up and asks me why I called her, I tell her I called everyone with the same first name, she says that's really nice, I thank her. I’m just about to hang up and she says wait once more, and asks me what I’m going to do next, I say I don’t know, and once again she tells me to wait. I wait. She says nothing for a second, I ask her what it is she wants to say to me and she asks me out.

I walk happily to her house later that day. I knock on her door and see her, she’s a knock out. Damn, what did I do to deserve this luck, she tells me to wait a bit, I go in and sit down. A little 12 year old girl in a red dress comes out and says hi… My jaws drop

SHE IS THE HOTTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

I mumble to her and she laughs a knowing laugh. My date comes out and says she’s ready. The little girl, her sister, nags at her and asks her to come along.

“Ugh, that’s my annoying little sister, she always nags me to come with me to places, don’t mind her”
“O no it’s fine, you know, she can tag along if she wants, you know it’s fine, you know, if she wants to come along then I don’t care, you know she could, that’s, you know it’s fine, you know, she could just come along”
“You’re mumbling”
I mumble in response
“Well oright, come along then little sister” my date says as we leave “my date seems to have crush on you”
“Yay!” says the sister

We eat at a nice restaurant, I had the ribs which turned out to be huge. I talk with the date and the sister both, but hard as I try, I could not keep my eyes off the sister.

We’re at the end of the meal, my date says she’s going to the washroom and asks her sister to come with her, her sister says she’d rather stay here. The sister stares at me, I look back at her, she crawls to me on the table, and kisses me, I pull away despite myself.

“Lets get out of here and have sex” the sister says seductively
“I really shouldn’t you know, I’m here with your sister on a date” I said shakily
“O come on, I know you want to, I’ve seen the way you were looking at me, I’m attracted to you too”
“I shouldn’t” my voice as shaken as it’s ever been, I don’t need to hold out for long, just until my date comes out from the washroom, c’mon this is the right thing to do.

I manage to hold out for a few seconds longer, my date comes out and the sister sits back. My mind asks why I shouldn’t just be with the sister, I don’t owe my date anything, I should be with whoever I want.

“O my god, that is so wrong!”
“What’s wrong” my date asks

My mind goes off at me, he called me a wimp... no body but no body, not even myself calls me I wimp. I lose it.

“Shut the fuck up you fucking whore!” I scream at my brain
“Excuse me?” says my date
“I’m sorry, I was just having an argument with my mind, who is being really wrong.”
“What were you arguing about?”
“I don't want to mention it”

The sister shoots me a glance that makes me fall down. My date asks me if I’m alright, I say sure, I just felt like falling down for a second. I walk them home, the sister says she wants to say something to me privately, I run away instead. I get home and wash my face for an hour. The phone rings, it’s my date. She says she wants to rape her sister tonight and asks me if I would like to take part.

Now under normal circumstances I would have found that an odd thing to ask... but I don't know what can I say

I arrive to find the sister knocked out on halothane. We raped her for a long time, she threw up at one point but I didn’t notice, she was so damn fine. Afterwards we discovered she had died, chocking on her own vomit. I felt like shit, my date breaks down in tears. She stays quiet until the police come, she seemed to be deep in thought the whole time and muttered only one line to me “I loved her you know, if you could believe that”.

The police arrive some time later and surveyed the scene.

“Everything is going to be alright, we’ll find the sick bastards who did this” they tell my date
She tells them there’s no need, she did it
“O… well you’re under arrest then” says the officers
She tells them once again there’s no need, she's already judged herself and knows what she has to do.
“Well that’s really not up to you” says the officers
She points a gun at her head and asks how they can stop her
The officers shrugs

Why do bad things only happen to me.

“I’m going to kill myself and follow my sister in death” she says, then she turns to me and tells me she has something to say to me first

A pause

“Umm, privately please!”, the cops leave the room. She sits down on the floor, and I go and sit beside her. She talks slowly

“I should tell you why I did this… Ummm, first of all, I lied when I said I wasn’t the girl who erased you. I am, and umm… the reason I erased you and the reason for what I did here was because (pause) you and my sister had an affair...”

I stop breathing.

“I didn't really want to get back with you at first, when I heard the tape and learned my reasons. I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be ok this time, but tonight, I knew you liked her again and I knew she tried to seduce you again. I don’t blame you though, you are what you are and you are a pedophile and you were nice enough to refuse her propositions. It’s me you know, I just got a little emotional, a little carried away. And now I have to do what's right and what's fair, I gotta kill myself.”

She looks up at me, tears are streaming down her face

“I… ummm, I just got very emotional you know. Very emotional when I erased you and more emotional when I did this. I wanted to get back at her you know, I wanted to lash out at her for doing this. I can’t believe what happened. My sister is still my sister and I love her. "

There is a long pause

"Well it’s been nice getting reacquainted, but I gotta kill myself now”

She points the gun at her head

“No, please wait” I say, even though I don't have a thing to say “Just wait a second”
“Wait for what”
I'm silent

"I'll see you in hell baby" she says casually

...

“I don’t really believe in god and stuff”

“Well that’s why you’re going to hell” the girl who erased me laughs "Well that and a whole bunch of other things hahahaha, hey lighten up you look like you just been to a funeral hahaha"

She blows her fucking brains out

The Bus Terminal

2005-05-23T22:13:00.000-06:00

It's 6:50, damn bus doesn’t leave until 9. Fucking SLC had outdated bus schedules, I’ll be here for two hours. Plenty of girls here though, maybe I’ll be able to pick one up.

I look around, ah, there's a pretty one, a blond in suit and glasses, a Stacy Keibler, only even more exotically anorexic; she sits by herself, reading; I go for it.

“I say, hi” I say. She looks at me and goes back to reading, she’s disinterested? Can’t be, I'm about the sexiest man in the world, she must be playing hard to get.

“I say, is this seat taken” I say
“By my bag” she says.
“Joking?” I query
“No” she answers
“Was that a joke” referring to her response
“No”
“Was that a joke” referring to her new response
“No”
“Was that a joke”
“No”
“Was that a joke”
“Yes”
“So this seat isn’t taken”
“I’m sorry, saying yes was actually a joke”
“O, well was that a joke”
“no”
“was that a joke”
“no”
“was that a joke”
“yes”
“was that a joke” wary of the last time she said yes
“yes”
“was that a joke”
“no”
“was that a joke”
“no”

…

Time went by like it was nothing, two hours, then some more. We had missed our bus, barnacles!

“yes” she responds to my latest inquiry with a pleasant smile.

I sit down. Something is wrong, I could smell it. I look at my watch, it’s 1am! I’ve missed my bus, barnacles

“Barnacles! I’ve missed my bus, it’s 1am!” I say

“Barnacles” she responds smiling once again

I really like her smile, it may even be my favorite smile of all time, maybe even the favorite anything of all time. It’s not just because she has perfect teeth, though she does, and it’s not just because she’s anorexic which she is stunningly so, but also because she doesn’t just give it away. I smile back; I haven’t smiled at a person for 15 years on account of how disgustingly ugly my smile is, but at this moment, I couldn’t help it.

“You have a really ugly smile” she says
“I’m aware, I’m sorry”

We sit together, just enjoying each other’s presence; we don’t say a word for hours, really nothing worth talking about.

It’s 4am, everything is closed now, neither of us have had food. I ask her if she wants to eat one of my fingers, she says no, she wants the whole thing. We make love on the bench. Time goes by like it was nothing, it’s Monday now, I should go back home, we had made love for 2 days. She looks even more beautifully anorexic than before, if that were possible.

I leave the bus terminal with her, her smiling, me trying my best to refrain from smiling. She says to me “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship”, I smile and cover it up with a cough. She extends her hand out and I take it, we walk hand in hand in to the sunrise

...

Ok Shu, stop fantasizing and go up to her. I walk to where the blonde in the suit is sitting, she’s gone, I look at my watch, I’ve been fantasizing for 3 hours, everyone is gone and I’ve missed my bus.

Double Barnacles!

Shu Versus the Gorilla

2005-05-21T14:35:00.000-06:00

O my fucking god, how could things have gone so wrong! I was on my way to kinkos to make some transparencies for my presentation on Thursday, and on my way, I was attacked by a gorilla, he ripped one of my arms off. I called the zoo, and the zoo sent people to come capture the gorilla, but it just so happened that they were color blind and believed I was the gorilla, that I attacked a human and stole his cloth.

You see this wasn't a typical gorilla, this gorilla speaks English.

The zookeepers stripped me of my cloth and gave it to the gorilla, they took me to the zoo and locked me up. I tried to tell them I’m human, but they would not believe me, they beat and raped me. They’re gay. I told them I was telling the truth, they asked me to prove it by sucking their penises. They said they knew how a human sucks a penis, if I could suck it right then I am telling the truth. I was really tired so I bit off their penises instead and ran away. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life, the battling of the gorilla, the loss of blood, and the biting off of the penises of the zoo keepers have zapped my energy and really added to the lack of sleep. I haven’t slept for 30+ hours.

You see today was my time adjustment day. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and I always end up sleeping later and later; lately, I’ve been sleeping at around 8-10am and waking up at night. It’s lonely at night, I don't mind it most of the time, but I do sometimes, it's just, I don't know. The big reason why I'm adjusting my schedule I guess is because this Thursday, I have my 2A term technical presentation to do in the morning and then the econ102 midterm to do at 6pm. With my current schedule, I’d be drowsy and likely fuck up on both. I woke up at around 5pm yesterday, it’s now late in to the night today, god I’m so fucking tired.

I don't feel I have the ability to reason right now and I no longer have my head, but at least I still have my head and my reasoning ability, which is a good thing, since the homosexual colorblind zookeepers are on my track. I run in to the empty streets, smart, they’ll never find me in the streets. I continue to walk a while and meet a woman. She asks me why I wasn't wearing any cloth, I knew I needed to go home and sleep, but I couldn't pass up a chance to talk to a girl, I don't meet them very often, I’m in engineering. So I took the time to explain my situation, and then asked her to help me, hoping just for a chance to talk to her longer and maybe get a date out of it. She agreed to help, she’s real sweet. Sadly, in my moment of passion I bashed her head in with a rock and raped her dead corpse instead. I couldn't help it, I was just so excited and she was so beautiful, I don't know, I kinda felt I had to hurt her. God, this is so unfair, why does something always happen just as I’m about to get a girl.

You see, despite my unbelievable looks and being real smart and charming and all, I can never seem to get a girl; something always goes wrong when I get close to one. Maybe she has a boyfriend (which only happened once), or she’s a midget or something (which only happened once), or I kill her somehow, or… I can’t think of anything else, yeah, usually I kill her somehow. Fuck, always has to be something. What kind of god do we have, that would play such jokes on me. O well, at least I got to have sex with her dead corpse. God I’m tired now, I just had sex to add to everything.

I am shaking now, my mind is spinning and I’m starting to imagine things; I believe I can no longer can't tell the fake things from the friction, and actually I think this might have started a little while ago. Whatever, I knew I have to get back, I have to kill the gorilla somehow and go to sleep fast so that I can adjust my schedule before my technical presentation and economics midterm. Suddenly a giant bunny with a scary face appeared, I thought he but a product of my imagination, but when I tried to touch him there was this weird matrix-like bubbly wall, so he must have been real. He called to me and I went to him. I asked him if he could help me, he said he could but I bashed him in the head with a rock instead, I don't remember why. I think I thought it would be funny if I did because I was really screwing myself over for no reason.

You see I’m really fucking tired now

I continued walking towards my home. A car ran me over, but I was ok, my arm grew back too. I think it happened when I raped that girl I raped, but I just hadn't noticed it until now. The power of love filled me, I was unstoppable. I went back home to face the gorilla. The gorilla told me to not fight him.

“Stop!” the gorilla exclaimed! “You see, I am but a victim”.

He said he was a victim, he said he's actually a princess who has been casted a spell on to become a gorilla, that if I make love to him, he will change back in to the princess. I thought it a trick, but what the hey. We made love… and it was the greatest thing I have ever experienced. I felt there was meaning for the first time. I felt it was what I’ve been longing for, all my life, I felt it was what my soul ached for.

You see I’ve felt the aching in my soul for a long time, I 've had no idea how to quench that aching, but I found it here and now, the causing of the breaking of the curse by having sex with of the gorilla relieved that ache. Maybe it wasn't the act, maybe it was her, I’ll find out.

When it was all said and done, we laid on the floor in semi consciousness, he was in my arms and I felt him changing. He/She changed back in to the princess, I was too tired to keep my eye lids from its closed state where it coverd my eye balls, but it matter not, I had already seen her in my heart when I was making sweet love to the gorilla. She walked over and gave me a kiss and walked away. I manage to whisper for her to stay; she leaves. I guess I just didn't mean to her what she meant to me, I was just a tool to her, I'll never love again. No, I will, I just did again at that moment, and do now, god I love her. Something took a hold of me right then, I couldn’t even feel what I was doing, I was barely conscious. I started walking towards the door. I knew I had to sleep, but I didn’t care about anything at that moment, I needed to find her. I walked out, there was no one there. I tried to run, but I fell down exhausted, I could only manage to crawl. I tried to scream her name but I could only manage to croak, like a disgusting croaking person. More than the loss of blood, the lack of sleep, the exhaustive battling, and the biting off of the penises of the homosexual colorblind rapist zookeepers was the pain caused by the yearning in my heart for that talking gorilla/princess. My will to find her, was unable to overcome the anguish in my heart, how ironic that of all things, love would keep me from her, I was broken by it. I couldn’t do anything right now and I knew it. The anguish intensified, I blacked out. When I opened my eyes again, I was in my bed. Was it all a dream, no it must have been her, she must have come back for me and carried me to my bed after I feinted. She did care for me, I guess for reasons that I can’t comprehend, she will not be with me. Fuck, it always has to be something doesn’t it? God damn my luck with women. But I’ll never forget her, I’ll never forget the sweet love of the gorilla slash princess, o I loved her so, o I loved her so…

I’ll see her again, I’ll see.