I pooped my pants

So that time has finally come, it's the last day of this term, I'm writing my last exam. I feel fucking fantastic, this is going to be a great day.

O, what's this, I feel a fart coming up, ok, I'm just gonna fart, afterall, how can a simple fart hurt my day at all. Ok, here goes, *plat

... O shit

O no, what am I suppose to do, I'm only 10 minutes in to my 2 and a half hour exam. O fucking god, what the fuck.

I walk up to the proctor

"Ummm, excuse me, I'd like to go to the washroom please"

"Are you serious, it's only 10 minutes in to the exam"

"Well, what can I tell ya"

We walk to the washroom, I go in to a stall. I pretend to be taking a dump - I stood by the toilet and wiped my pants and my ass as best I could, then I sat for a few minutes so that it looks like I really did take a crap, I was still kind of insecure so I made some moaning sounds. I flush and walk out

I casually wash my hands

"So how's it going" I say to the proctor casually

"Did you just crap your pants"

I pause awkwardly

"yeah"

"Hey, you don't have to be ashamed" says the proctor "I've had more than my share of crapping my pants in inopportune times." he goes in to a flashback trance "When I was just a wee wittle wad, o that was a time when waterloo is not waterloo as you know it at all but rather something completely different. It was a simple time... but also not so simple at all, yes it was definately a complex time then. Yes not simple at all. I was little, very little, so little that you could say I wasn't very big at all. Indeed that was many years ago, and I was not as aged as I now am, nor as big."

"Ummm, listen, I'd really like to listen to more of you saying the same thing over and over again , but I got an exam to do, so... I really gotta go"

"No" he blocks the door "You shall listen to my tale"

"No, I don't want to"

"Well, Ok" he says "but you're missing out on some important wisdom that you're going to need"

"yeah aright" I say all disbelieving-like

I start to walk back to the exam

"wait kid..."

"Yeah?"

"Good luck"

"Thanks" I say holding back tears

"You're gonna need it"

I contemplate his words deeply "...ok"

I walk back to the exam. Overall, the exam went ok. I was a little distracted, you guys know Hel.., oop, I mean (hands making a quote sign) BABERELLA, the girl in my shakespeare class that looked like feist for whom I wrote that story about. Well she was sitting beside me... and I guess I was prety conscious of the smell I was giving off. It was also pretty uncomfortable because my poop was smudging all over my ass and other parts of my underwear and pants as time goes along and as I make small movements that I don't normally notice but now do. But yeah, the exam still went ok, some part of it was really fun actually; for one essay I titled it misery is a butterfly hahahahahaha. I laughed for 5 minutes, everyone stared at me.

The exam finishes, Baberella nudges me

"Hey, what were you laughing about, did you go crazy or something"

"Nah" (my first word to her, omg omg!) "I just wrote something really funny. For one of my essays, I titled it misery is a butterfuly" I laugh "hahaha"

"I don't get it" she says

"It's a name of a song I like and it kinda fit the essay"

"Ok, but I still don't think it's that funny."

"Yeah, now I don't know why I found that funny, and I'll probably get some marks duct for bad title"

Our exams are collected and we stand up about to leave.

fuck it

"So hey, you're Baberella right. You know I've been staring at you a lot, and I actually just wrote a story about you."

"What's it about?"

"Well it's unfinished, I'm not sure how to finish it actually, but basically it's about me and you and we're in love."

"O well, that's kinda sweet"

"Yeah, so hey, you done exams?"

"Yep"

"Ummm, I don't know, ummm, would you want to maybe get something to eat with me?"

"Ok

"You look a lot like feist you know that"

"no"

We walk out

"So where do you want to go" she asks

"Ummm, actually I gotta go home first"

"Why?"

"O, uhhh no reason, I just want to change, you know"

"no, what, did you crap your pants or something"

"... no"

"Well, then what are you doing, it's almost 11, let's get something to eat"

Whatever, the poop is already smudged, I don't think it can get any worse. Just forget it, this is too important. I don't know, maybe I should just tell her the truth, but something is holding me back, dammit, why can't I just be honest, I suck, I deserve to die

I slap myself

She looks at me "You're kinda weird" she says cutely

We go to east side marios; bing budda boom budda ban.

"Say, do you smell something, I've been smelling some really shitty smell for a while and I can't figure out what it is" says she

"Ummm... I don't know, maybe it's the food here"

"No, I think it's been following me"

"I don't know what it could be, maybe it's you then" I counter quickly

"What, that's mean"

"O yeah, I'm sorry, well it's just an idea"

"Well, maybe you're right, how do I know right"

"yeah"

We finish eating and walk outside.

I really want to go home, but what can I do?

"So, I'll walk you home" I say

So I walk her to her home

"So do you want to like come up" she asks

Holy fuck, this is pretty great, I think this girl wants to have sex with me. But if I take off my pants she'll see that I pooped my pants. Ok, just delay delay delay until she's too tired for sex, if everything goes well I can have sex with her tomorrow, ok so I'll just use my exceptional conversational skills to keep her up all night.

"hey ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

I say ummm for 5 minutes. FUCK

"Are you ok?" Baberella says to me "have you gone crazy or something?"

"No, I mean yes, I mean no. I mean yeah I'm crazy but no I'm not ok. No I mean, yes to being ok and no to being crazy. I ... just had so much to say ... that I didn't know what to say first... hence the long ummm"

"Man, you're really a weird and creepy guy, but that's just the kinda guy I dig"

"yeah... well... let's go dig up a dead corpse...then... and eat it"

"ok, that sounds really good"

Yeah ok, so that was really weird but I was pretty tense and I guess it kinda works in someways in my mind at the time seeing as how she just used the word dig and also she just said she really likes weird and creepy guys, so I don't know I guess it just felt right to say it. Anyways so she's actually in to it, which is pretty fucked up. So we go to the graveyard and she digs up a dead corpse and eat it.

...

Man... what the fuck, that's a lot more disgusting than I thought it would be, I mean what the fuck she's eating dead people!

"Here" she passes me a leg and smiles brightly

"I... ummmmmmmmm...... what?"

"here" she nudges the leg at me "you wanted to eat dead people right, man I really dig guys crazy like that."

"ummm... I really want to, but man, I'm really tired, I think I gotta go home right now, I was up all night studying for this exam"

"O shut up, I really like you" she starts kissing me, uhyack, human gore in my mouth but she's really enjoying it and I think it would be courteous for me to enjoy it too. Yeah it's really not too bad

I throw up in her mouth

"O you just keep turning me more and more on don't you!" she screams excitedly "Ok enough of this, we're going over to my place right now, no arguments" she drags me to go

"Ummm, are we going to like have sex? I'm really like tired you know, I would really love to but maybe like tomorrow or something, I'm just so tired, I actually havn't slept for a week"

"you don't like me?"

"No, I do, I totally really really really do."

"O wow, three reallys, you must really like me a lot. Ok, fine I believe you, you can crash at my place then, we're only 2 minutes away. If you're really that tired you can't walk home"

"O, I think I just felt a jolt of energy, I think it's being with you y'know, it's... the power of love, I think I got enough energy to walk home"

"Hey! Then we should totally have sex now, and then you can just sleep with me"

"Ok, I think I was wrong, I was just really excited and felt that burst of energy but it's gone, I've just been without sleep too long"

"Ok, then come over to my house"

"You know, I think I have so little energy in fact that I don't know if I can actually walk all the way over to your house"

"But we're only 20 seconds away now, it's right there"

"Yeah, well, I think I'm about to black out, you know I'm just so tired"

"O please, for me?"

"I'm really tempted to say yes, you know believe me, but I..."

"Well we're already here" she opens the door to her house "that last conversation took 20seconds"

"Ok great... anyways, I'm going to black out now, I simply can't hold on any longer, so I definately can't go to your bed or take off my pants or anything like that. Yep, so here I go"

I fall down to the floor and pretend to be asleep

She goes and gets changed, I peek, she's wearing this really cool far-out like future/outer space kinda suit, like a silver tube. It looks so neat, she's really cool and she's really sweet. She comes by me and lies down and hold me, o man she feels so good. And I'm totally going to get away with this poop in the pants thing, and all the lying too, I've been so stupid not lying all this time, like I havn't lied for so long, it sure saved me this time around with out any harm done. This is so fucking great, I'm finally going to have a girlfriend, and she's so pretty and freaky cool, this is just going to turn out so well, I know it. It's really the first happy ending in my life, in my real life that is, not just something like in my stories like that christmas story because that was fake and this is real.

yea Jackpot! I was just thinking when suddenly the house start vibrating. I peek and well, the entire house now looks far out and outspace/futuristic. Bam, there's a loud blasting-off sort of sound, and I feel like super heavy gravity on me. I jump

"What the fuck"

"O shit, you're up" Baberella responds and smiles "hey baby"

"What's going on? Am I on a space ship?"

"Yeah, I'm an alien I'm taking you to my home planet"

"O wow, you, in that story I wrote about you, were also an alien. How do you like that coincidence huh? Well, that's not important right now, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING ME TO YOUR PLANET FOR! Ok, listen, I like you, but don't you think you should have asked me before taking me to your planet, I mean we don't even know each other yet."

she responds naive-cutely "well you said you really really REALLY liked me and then you said you got energy/power from me, that had to be love, so I knew you'd agree. And you were so blacked out, and I knew how tired you were based on what you've told me, so I knew it would be impossible to wake you even if I tried. I only remembered after getting home that I have to go back to my planet today, so you know, I thought this was definately the right thing to do right?" she smiles proudly

Fuck, I really fucked up this time...

"Anyways, here we are" she says "don't worry about earth ok? My planet is pretty cool too"

We walk down to her planet, I guess it looks pretty cool, well it is a different planet.

She takes my arm "C'mon, hey, are you ok?"

I turn and look at her. Well at least I got a girlfriend now and being on a different planet, well that's pretty cool. I guess I can make the best of it, definately no more lying though, I've learned that lesson. Yeah I think I'm going to be alright.

"baby, I'm better than ok, I'm good." I say, kissing her "but listen baby, I'm sorry, I lied to you before, I crapped my pants"

"...O yuck, I'm leaving"

...

So I'm stuck on an alien planet by myself and now I can never change my pants and I'm stuck with poop in my pants forever... ever... ever... ever

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooh CRAP!

---------
The end
---------

O learn from my tale friends and the gain wisdom that I had not... and... good luck...
you're going to need
it...

DUN DUN DUN!

***

Written and Directed by Shu
Music by Shu

Shu - Shu
Baberella - Invisible woman
Exam Proctor - Invisible man
Narration - Shu
(so this is like a movie)

Shu's Christmas Love Story

Dear Santy

Hey there dog, I havn't been very good before and I never got nothing and ok, I think I deserved that. But this last year, I've been a really good boy, I think I'm really starting to get this life now and I've become a pretty nice person, so I think you should get me something. I mean, I don't usually ask for things but you know, this is what you do for a living, and I'm really pretty desperate, so I'm asking you. All I want for Christmas is a girl to love and who'll love me back too, that's it, please give it to me. O, and not too short and not to fat and kinda pretty please, pretty please.

Signed
Shu Zhang

folded, put-in-ed and sealed. I skip to the post office happily

"Mail to this North Pole please! It's for Santy Clause" I say smiling

"Awww that's adorable..." says the postman lady

"Thanks!"

I skip away

"Hey Shu, still trying to get a girl?"

"Not anymore, Mrs Benderstein, I'll get one this Christmas, I've been a really good boy and I asked Santy for one!"

"Well I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya"

"Thanks dog!"

I continue to skip home and come to a fork in the road, a clear path which will take me home in 10 minutes, and a path that leads in to an ominously dark forest, of which, no one has ever come out of alive. However, as legends has it, it's possible to get home in only 8 minutes.

3 hours in to the dark forest and I know I've made the wrong choice. I drop down and start weeping

"Wah Wah, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?" I cry out

"Hello? Little crying boy? Are you lost too, wait there a second, I'll come over" a girl runs over "O why, you're not really a little boy at all, you're a grown man haha" laughs the girl

"O hey, I wasn't crying at all... I was just making like a joke, like a sarcastic cry"

"Yeah!" the girl responds sarcastically

"Oright, I suppose it's a little scary, maybe we oughta hold each other"

"Yuck, I'm not going to hold a wimpy grown man!"

"Ok, well I'm not scared at all, I just said it because I thought maybe you'd hold me then"

"Oright"

"Anyways, let's try to find our way out"

We start walking

"So, how is going?" I ask

"Well I've been here, I've been lost in this forest for a couple of days. I guess it's alright, lost some weight, hehe"

I say "Oh yeah, you look great, I guess that's a benefit of being lost in a dark forest. I'm Shu by the way, what's your name?"

"Shishkabob"

"So do you think we'll ever find our way out?"

"I hope so, but it's not too likely, haha. So how did you get lost?"

"I was mailing my Christmas wish to Santa, and I thought this might have been a shortcut back home"

"What did you wish for?"

"O you know, love"

"O yeah, I kinda wished for that too, although right now if I had it, I'd trade it for a bowl of rice. Ha, no I'm just kidding, but I am really hungry.
Anyways yeah, I want love pretty bad, I hunger for it, and I'm hungry baby, I could eat two and three quarters horses I'm so hungry!"

"What, what do you mean, like you're actually hungry or"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" we laugh

"Well... hey" I say shyly "umm, as for the love thing, you know we're probably not going to get out of the forest and we're probably the only humans we're going to see until we die, so umm... maybe we should just kinda like... love each other"

"Oright"

"And ummm Shishkabob, if you're really hungry, you could eat my arm or something"

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's not a big deal, it's just one arm"

"Well, I'm not that hungry yet, you know, I ain't dying yet or nothing, but, ok, I'll eat it later if I really need to.
I really appreciate it by the way"

She gives me a kiss

***

Bam, a gun shot

"Did you hear that?"

Shishkabob runs to the sound of the gunshot, I follow her. There's a reindeer on the ground, and an evil looking man walking towards it with a shotgun.

"Help" the reindeer says

"You can speak? asks Shishkabob

The evil looking man points the gun at Shishkabob "Hey, stay out of it if you know what's good for you"

"I'm a magic reindeer, he's trying to destroy Christmas, please, WARN SANTA!!!" screams the reindeer desperately

BAM, his brain splatters against the trees

Shishkabob jumps at the evil looking man as he takes aim again; she kicks his gun away and they fight. I jump in as well and help her, even with the two of us (both black belts in every form of mortal combat), he is overwhelming us. He knocks both of us down, says aloud "No! I can't waste anymore time with these brats, I got a Christmas to destroy! Muhahaha" and flys away

"Dammit!" Shishkabob says angrily, she walks over to the reindeer

"Hey kids... " the reindeer says weakly

"How can you speak, your brain is blown to bits" I ask curiously

"I still got my heart and that's enough for now. Listen you kids, you kids must get to the North Pole."

"We don't know how to get out of this forest"

The reindeer stands up trembling

"Hop on, I can fly you two out"

"Reindeer... your brains are already blown out..."

"I'll be fine, just get on! The whole world depends on you now!

We get on his back

"I can't see anything, but I can fly, I'll fly above the forest, then you kids direct me"

***

We're falling, the reindeer has blacked out, we're going to crash. I close my eyes, Shishkabob clutches me and I clutch her back.

Impact

I open my eyes... I'm alive, Shishkabob is weeping. The reindeer had regained consciousness, straightened out and broken our fall with his own body.

"Are you guys out of the forest?" he asks weakly

"Yeah" Shishkabob responds

"Ok good... save Christmas..." his heart gives out...

Shishkabob stands, she wipes away her tears "C'mon Shu, we gotta start heading for the North Pole. We gotta save Christmas, hehe" she says and chuckles in amusement.

It's a long road to the North Pole, there are a lot of dangers and we are far outmatched by our enemy; but I look at the reindeer and I'm filled with hope

"You thinking what I'm thinkin' Shishkabob?"

"Yeah, reindeers taste delicious" she says as she chews a piece of meat "What!? I'm hungry! Haha, just kidding" she spits him out and buries him, then takes out a piece of rose and places it on the grave "yeah, love'll save us all"

***

"So, how do we get to the North Pole?" Shishkabob asks

"We can steal a jet, but I'm not sure if we can do it" I respond

"...I can, I'm an expert in stealing jets, but... but stealing is wrong! There must be another way!"

"So do you have a different idea?" I ask

Shishkabob loses in thought. She looks up at me

"...I'm going to learn to fly"

"That's impossible, people can't fly"

Shishkabob loses in thought again

***

A bunch of boys are making fun of Shishkabob

"I can fly, I'll learn it!"

"No you cant! People can't fly! You're so stupid! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"

O how all the kids laughed at her

"Shut up!" Shishkabob screams and kicks the boys in the balls

***

"I can do it!" Shishkabob screams

"Alright, I guess you can give it a try"

"Do you believe in me Shu"

"I don't know, not really"

We are standing below a cliff, she runs angrily up the cliff, she jumps off and flaps her arm stupidly. She falls down

"Ouch ouch"

I help her up, she runs back up and jumps off again. She falls down

"Owww owww owww alright, let's steal a jet"

Ok, so she stole a jet later that afternoon and we go to the North Pole. We run in to Santa Clause's house and ask for some food, but Santa didn't have any, which really sucks because we're both extremely hungry, Shishkabob especially. Anyways whatever, then we tell him about what happened, so I guess at least we're going to save Christmas maybe

"O no, ho ho ho, thanks kids for warning me, I'll be prepared in case he tries to assassinate me or any other reindeers, but even so with one of my reindeers dead, I don't have enough to fly me around and deliver all the toys, Christmas is ruined. Ho ho ho" he laughs with his trademark bough of jolly

"O NO!" me and Shishkabob shriek at once "Is there anything we can do?"

"Well there is one thing but... no I shouldn't, forget I brought it up... no, I have to tell you... no I can't, not that... ok I will. Listen you guys, I have a magical berry that can turn a human in to a reindeer... but the change is permanent, Christmas is tonight, if you want to save Christmas one of you will have to eat that berry and become a reindeer forever. Ho ho ho"

"There must be another way, we have a jet can you use that?" I ask

"THAT'S SO STUPID! Ho ho ho. A jet can't land on people's roof tops. Even if it could, I can't reach every house in the world, it's impossible, there are like a million people in the world!! No, I must have a magical flying being, magic is the only way to do Christmas."

"Wait... I can be that magical flying being" Santa and I look at Shishkabob "I can learn to fly, I know I can"

"Ho ho ho little girl, a human can not fly, you're being stupid, ho ho ho"

Shishkabob slaps him, snot flys out of santa's mouth, "I'll do it dammit, mark my words, I'll learn to fly!"

...

"Shishkabob... I believe in you" I say

"Thank you" she smiles and kisses me.

I smile back "Go get em tiger or should I say... SUPER FLYING SQUIRREL GIRL!"

She smiles at me again and I smile back at her again and she smiles back at me again. She runs, she picks up speed, she jumps up, and falls down; she does this several times then walks back.

"Alright, maybe I can't do it"

"Ho ho ho, stupid girl, I told you ho ho ho" laughs Santa Clause "So you guys wanna eat the berry or what"

"I don't know" I say

"OK" I turn a little shocked, "ok" says Shishkabob, "I'll do it"

"Shishkabob..."

"Shu, I gotta do it, I gotta save Christmas. Besides, I'm really hungry, I gotta eat something!"

Santa pats her on the back "We don't leave for another 2 hours, so ummm, you'll probably want to use your human form as much as possible until then." Santa winks, "ho ho ho ho ho ho" then he runs cute-fatly to behind the curtains and hides

"O Santa! We know you're hiding behind the curtains you pervert! LMAO!" Shishkabob says

"Ho ho ho, ok, ok you kids got me, ho ho ho" Santa leaves

Shishkabob smiles "O that guy, he sure is full of jolly"

...

I speak and I bring the mood down a notch... because I'm sad "I... don't want you to do this... I, I really like you, you know... I don't really want you to become a reindeer" I say

"O I'm sorry Shu but I gotta save Christmas. And you know, there's really nothing else to eat, and I'm really really hungry"

I hug her for a bit

"Listen, ummm, I know Santa's insinuated that we should do it since you'll become a reindeer soon, but we don't have to do it if you don't want to, I'd like to just talk with you until then you know"

...

"O JEEZ, we can talk while we're fucking, take off your pants now!"

***

Two hours went by like it was only one hour and forty five minutes. We met up with Santa then and got attacked by that evil looking man. Santa was prepared though, and he absolutely whooped that guy. Santa may be really fat and cuddly, but he's also a saint, so he's got like inhuman angelic powers. Yo, I can't even describe how he fought yo.

Anyways, so that evil looking man flew away in defeat, and Santa decided not to give chase because he's gotta get going to delivering the presents.

"Here's the magical berry Shishkabob, go ahead and eat, save the world, ho ho ho" says Santa as he hands her the magical berry

Shishkabob smiles at me, "Ok, here goes."

"I love you Shishkabob..." I say

She smiles again, "Ok great", she says and eats the berry.

Fudge

I watch as she transforms, and to be honest I get kinda pissed. She's being really nice... this is probably the right thing to do... but why does some stupid shit like this happen to me every time I get close to love?

*little does Shu know, he is the reason, he is the reason why he doesn't have love in his life

"Fuck!"

"What is it Shu?" asks Santa Clause

"I... I was so close to having a girl, to having love!"

I start storming away

I know I'm being childish, but I don't care! It's the one thing I wanted, I've been a really good boy this whole year (I stump my feet in frustration) and I can't even have this one thing. O gosh, am I being a jerk? No fuck it, I don't care, I should get something, what about me?!

"Shu!" screams Santa, I turn back, "if you want to go then fine, I won't stop you!" he says

I leave.

Behind me Shishkabob cries; but she sucks it up, she's got a Christmas to save

***

I'm strolling through a forest in the North Pole to let off some steam. I see a dark figure, holy shit, it's that evil guy, he's hiding in the dense forest where Santa can't see him and he's holding a rifle ready to shoot Santa and the reindeers as they fly by. I should get back and warn Santa.

Just then, I hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring ting tingling too... o no... they're already flying over us, that evil guy, he's got a clear shot at them. If I yell, I'll surely be noticed and shot. No, why should I care, I've never gotten anything from Santa, from Christmas.

BAM

My heart sinks, he's hit Shishkabob. She stumbles a bit, but gathers herself and keeps on flying. They'll never find him down here, but they should land and hide. They'll die if they stay up there, don't they know that? Why does Shishkabob keep going? Shishkabob...

The evil man takes aim again, BAM, another shot to Shishkabob. She stumbles further but she picks herself up, she keeps going, she doesn't care...

I look at her and I suddenly get it, how could I have been so wrong? A single word fills my mind, yeah you know what word I'm talking about, it starts with L...O...

LoadsOfSexWithAReindeer

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg, it's LOVE... it's LOVE baby

"Santa!" I scream "He's down here!"

The evil man spares me a glance, then turns back quickly and takes aim at the approaching sleigh. I hurl myself between Shishkabob and the rifle, all I cared about was her.

You know I've always thought about doing something like this for someone, but I've always thought about maybe just getting hit in the arms or the legs or something. Right now though, I didn't care, I could die right now and I think I wouldn't care. I realize now that despite all my previous whinings of needing love, I've never even been willing to love, I've been a child, I've been nothing but a boy my whole life. And this is it, you know. Love is right there for me to grab, and so I grab it.

BAM

I take a shot to the gut, I'm bleeding profusely as I land, but I don't notice... I'm filled with the power of love. I stand up and fall back down "OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! MUTHA FUCKING OWWW MUTHA FUCKER FUCKING MUTHER FUCK!!!", oright, I was wrong, it just took a few second before I felt it

"Dammit, you brat, you ruined everything"

He aims his rifle at my head, but gets knocked down. It's Santa, Santa kicks his ass all the way to pluto, he'll never be able to cause anyone any harm again. I crawl up to Shishkabob, I take one look at her and the bullet in my gut feels like the best feeling in the world.

"Shishkabob, I'm sorry, I've been really selfish. Reindeer or not, I love you Shishkabob and I want to be with you. *cough. If anything, there's just more of you to love. *cough
Listen, I just became a man. Will you marry me?"

"Oink oink" Shishkabob responds in reindeer speak

"I'll take that as a yes" I say and smile

***

"I now pronounce you man and reindeer!" says Santa

I kiss her "O, I just know we're going to be so happy together, even though you can't even speak english anymore!"

"Oink oink, hahaha, gotcha, I can still speak English! hahaha"

We laughed and we laughed and we lived happily ever after.

And that was how both Shu and Shishkabob's Christmas wish came true.

The End

A Person In Denial

Chapter 1 – A girl named Alley falls in love with me and Baberella becomes a chopstick

A girl walks up to me, she says “Hey Shu, boy, your midterm was really good."

"O gee thanks" I respond

"If you like, we could go out sometime, yeah”

“O, no that’s ok”

“Ok then, pick me up at 7, here’s my address” she hands me a piece of paper

“I said no baby, I already have a girl, Baberella”

“And maybe you can help me study sometime, yeah”

“No”

“Great, see you tonight, yeah”

Baberella walks by “Hi, Alley, what’s going on”

“O, not much” Alley says “I just asked Shu out, we’re a couple now”

“That’s not true” I say

“Shu?! Is that ture?!”

“No”

“She asked you out?!”

“Yeah”

“And you said yes?!”

“No, I didn’t”

“Shu, I can’t believe you?! What is it?! It’s because I’m an alien?! Or because I almost killed you?! O MY GOD Shu!! I love you!!”

“O Baby, I love you too, I didn’t say yes, she’s fucking crazy insane in the brain”

“Alley, is this true? Are you crazy in your brain?”

“Shu said, he’ll pick me up at 7 and take me out for dinner and then have sex with me all night, lalala”, Alley skips away humming

“O Shu, I’m sorry, that I’m an alien but does that change anything”

“Of course not, what are you talking about”

“Ok then what is it? Now that you got the highest mark for the midterm in our class, you’re too good for me?!”

Baberella weeps and runs away.

***

“O baby, please, I love you and only you.” I say to Baberella

“Ok Shu, I believe you, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, I'm having my period so. Anyways forget it, let's go for dinner, actually I just gotta take a crap first”

“Ok" I smile

I hear a knock on the door, it’s Alley

“Hey Shu, I couldn’t wait and I knew you felt the same, yeah. So I just came over, let’s go for dinner, yeah”

“Listen Alley, you’re sweet and fun and all, but you’re a crazy ho, I don’t like you, I love Baby, my Baby, she's the only baby for me baby.”

“Red Lobsters, that’s sounds great, hey you know what, let me carry you, yeah”

Alley picks me up and takes me to Red Lobsters. I wanted to get down, but she’s pretty strong and I couldn’t.

She chains me down to the chair, so I guess I might as well make the best of it and enjoy the food. We talk about some reality t.v shows as we eat. She unchains me when we’re done with the food, I run away back to my house.

“Where did you go Shu?” ask Baberella

“Alley came by and she forced me to have dinner with her”

“What do you mean forced you?”

“Well she picked me up and then she chained me to a chair”

“O… well ok then… you are being honest right?”

“Yeah”

“Ok, well, do you still want to have something with me?”

“O, I’m full baby, but I'll always want to eat with you, I’ll eat if my stomach bursts baby!”

***

Alley starts talking to me the next day in class

“In truth, I really don’t like you that much” I tell her

"Shu… sometimes I wish you'd be a little more honest about your feelings"

“Alley, you crazy ass, I think you’re very cute-sweet, but I got a baby baby, Baby. I’ll be with her forever and I’ll never be with you.” I take out a knife and chop down my pinky “This is how much I love her, I love her so much, I’d cut off one of my own fingers for her. (to Baberella) Here you go baby, I’ll love you forever”

Alley snatches it and eats it “What finger?”

“Damn it Alley!”

“It’s ok Shu, I don’t need your finger, it’s the thought that counts” Baberella says and kisses me sweetly

Alley tries to kiss me too but I pull away, she thinks she had kissed me anyways “O Shu, you taste ever so sweet, let’s skip this class and have sex in a stall, yeah.”

“No”

She picks me up and takes me to a stall. She strips off my cloth and starts to strip away her own. I take this chance and jump through the roof to escape from her.

"Listen I appreciate all this but I don't want you, I love someone else."

She doesn't seem to hear it or even notice that I was gone. She starts humping the air.

“O Shu, your penis is so big and it feels so good, o I love you so!”

“Alley, my penis is very small, in addition we’re not even having sex right now, you’re very delusional and I think you need help”

I run away back to class naked

Baberella gives me her dress to wear for now

“Baby, what do you want me to do about all this?”

"About what?"

"Alley"

“O, Iunno, just ignore it I guess. A little craziness won't hurt nobody” Baby says in her bra and panties

“I guess you are right” I respond wearing her cute little pink dress

"Aye" she says

"Aye" I say

"Aye twas a good sex Shu!" Alley says coming back in to the room, she sits next to me "Let's go out tonight, yeah. Ok, pick me up at 7 yeah."

“No”

***

I’m talking to Baberella the next day, when suddenly, I wasn’t talking to her anymore, I was talking to a pair of chopsticks, that was odd

Alley walks up to me again, ugh

“Hey Shu, what happened yesterday, why didn’t you pick me up”

“Cuz baby I don’t want you, I love Baberella”

“Who’s Baberella?”

“What do you mean who’s Baberella, your friend, my eternal love, Baberella, that Baberella”

“I don’t know anybody named Baberella, and what do you mean she’s your love, I’m your love”

“You’re delusional”

“Shu… what’s going on with you? The last couple of days, you’ve been acting like we weren’t even together.”

“We aren’t”

“Yes we are”

“You are very much in denial, we are not, I love Baberella”

“There is no Baberella Shu.
Shu, come with me”

“No”

“Well I guess I can’t force you”, she sits down

“What do you mean you can’t force me? You can carry me”

“What? I can't do that”

“Ok, Alley, what do you want to show me”

I follow her as we walk through the class asking people if they know Baberella; everyone tells me that there is no one named Baberella in this class.

I can’t pay attention in class, why is Alley acting so passive, why did Baberella suddenly turn in to chopsticks and why doesn’t anyone here acknowledge her existence?

I run out of the room and run to the house me and Baby have been living at. I knock on the door, it’s an old hag who offers me cats and her poetry. I ask her about Baberella, my love, and she tells me she is Baberella.

My mind desperately searches for an answer: there must have be some sort of time warp that has only affected her.

“Baby, I think there’s been some sort of timewarp that has affected only you. But I still love you Baby, please try to remember me” I say

“O, wait, I think I do remember something” responds the old hag “come on in sonny and we can have some sex”

“Ok”

I go in and take off my pants, but the old hag said my penis was too small and didn’t want to have sex with me. Then she tells me, she’s not Baberella, she only said it because she thought she could have sex with me, but now she doesn’t want to.

“Damn you, you old hag. So it wasn’t a time warp… where’s Baberella, what has happened to this house, where’s all her stuff.”

The old hag tells me she’s been living here for 110 years, there’s no such person as Baberella, then scratches me and tells me to leave the house.

“Leave my house you crazy bum” she yells *scratch scratch

I run out the house. How could this be, my mind is scrambling for answers. Could it actually be possible that I had imagined the whole thing, that Baberella always has just been a pair of chopsticks? It can’t be, I know there’s a Baby and I love her. It’s real, it’s all real. But then again, if I’m crazy, how would I know. But I don’t believe it, I refuse to believe it.

“BBBBAAAAAABBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” I scream out loud

Alley is behind me, she’s weeping

“Shu… what are you doing… what’s wrong with you”

She holds me tight…

What’s going on, what’s going on; I grasp for air dramatically

“Get away from me Alley, it’s Baberella I love”

“There’s no such thing as Baberella, we’re in love!” she weeps

I run away

“SSSSHHHHHHUUUUUU!!” Alley screams out

The old lady walks out and throws a cat at her “Stop yelling, or I’ll throw me cats at ye”

Chapter2 – This chapter is a…

I’m sitting in class the next day. Alley comes by and kisses me in the face and sits next to me. She starts touching me.

“Listen Alley, I’m not completely sure what’s happened with this whole Baberella business, but I’m convinced she exists and I can’t be with you”

“O stop it, you’re talking nonsense” Alley says and kisses me

She asks me to go see the art gallery after class, I said no, but she drags me to go with her. The art gallery was alright

She asked me to walk her back home, I said no, but she dragged me along. A fog appeared around us all of a sudden, I knew this wasn’t normal, it was a demon.

I take Alley and run; mystic hands grab us and hold us.

The demon appears in front of us.

“Ho mortals, I have come for thy lives”

“Alley run, I’ll handle this” I tell her

“I won’t leave you Shu, no matter what…”

She takes my hand, we scream together and together we defeated the mighty demon.

“HA! I knew you loved me!” She says happily

“I don’t”

“Nay Shu! Only the power of love is strong enough to defeat that demon. If you didn't love me, we both would have died”

***

A knock on my door, it’s Alley. She walks in, without asking. She walks to the couch and sits down comfortably, I walk by and sit on the floor. We watch some trailer park boys.

It gets pretty late

“Do you want to go to sleep soon” she asks

“I don’t care that much, you can stay and watch more t.v with me if you like, whenever you’re ready to leave, I’ll sleep”

“I will have sex with you”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Because I love Baberella”

“Baberella doesn’t exist!” She says angrily, she walks by the window, punches through it, then walks back “Then I will stay here and watch t.v with you forever”

We sit and watch infomercials for 5 hours before she falls asleep. I turn off the t.v and go to sleep.

***

“Shu, wake up, I want to have sex with you”

“Baberella…?” I respond drowsily

She smacks me

“Alley! Alley! Alley! you whore!” she says “Stop being gay, you love me”

“No, it’s Baberella” I point to the corner of the room “can’t you see her?” I push Alley off, Baberella is standing at the end of the room. I walk up to her, but suddenly she’s not there, in her place a pair of chopsticks…

I rub my head

“Damnit, chopsticks? Just chopsticks?!”

“Shu, what’s wrong with you” Alley is holding me “Shu, I want so much to care for you, please let me”

“Alley…. why are you doing all this, say I really am this nut who believes he’s in love with a pair of chopsticks. Why do you want me?”

“Because I love you Shu, and you love me too”

“I… no I don’t”

“Yes! Yes you do, you ass”

“Do I…?”

“Yes! Yes you do, you ass”

***

Professor North drifts in to one of his real life analogies, “My daughter, for one, believes that for those truly willing to love, there isn't a thing that can stand in their way.”

I raise my hand “What about a lack of those who would return that love”

“She doesn't think it is essential”

I raise my hand again "What about a lack of those who would accept that love"

"She believes even that is not essential"

He goes back in to the play, I interrupt him, “May I have your daughter’s phone number, I would very much like to have her love”

A few girls chuckle, one girl stands up and walks up to me

“I’m his daughter, and you can have it”

“And I’ll you give you my love too”

She smiles “Ok, my name is Alley”

***

I snap awake

Was that real? Did that happen? I don’t remember that at all

No, I met her just a few days ago, she came up to me and asked me out and I said no.

This was just a dream, I think.

Alley mumbles something beside me, I jump “what are you doing here, didn’t you leave?”

“No”, she responds

“Get off my bed please”

“Why?”

“Get off my bed please, we’re not together, Baberella is real, and I love her”

She gets off my bed, picks up a chair and smacks me in the head with it.

“Snap out of it Shu! Only 30 minutes ago we got back together and you told me you love me again, don't you remember!”

“I don’t remember this… Do you hit me a lot?”

“I hit you when you’re being a fucking idiot, so yeah I been hittin’ you a lot. You won’t admit that you love me!”

“Ok, that might explain it…”

“Explain what?”

“I think I’m losing my memories, so maybe I do love you and maybe Baberella really doesn’t exist”

“Yeah, Shu, that’s exactly right, I’m real she’s not”

“Ok, I think that’s a possibility”

“So you love me”

“Ok, I love you”

Alley bursts in to tears, and hugs me

“I’m so happy Shu” she showers me with kisses… and I kiss her back

***
I wake up the next day

“Alley what are you doing in my bed! It’s Baberella that I want”

"WHAT?!"

“Just kidding!”

“O Shu!”

We make out

“I love you Shu, tell me you love me too”

Suddenly, Baberella is standing beside her, she smacks her “Get off of him you bitch!”

Me: AWHAAAA?!

***

Shu: Baberella? Alley do you see her?
Alley: No
Baberella: Shu, I’m real, Alley is lying to you
Shu: Did you just hear Baby speak?
Alley: No, she’s not real

Baby punches Alley, alley falls down and says ouch

Shu: You just said ouch
Alley: No I didn’t, you just imagined it
Shu: But you’re on the floor
Alley: No I’m not, I’m on the bed, you imagined me being a floor
Baberella: You bitch witch bitch

Baberella kicks her, Alley flys and crashes to the wall.

Baberella: Shu, Alley is a witch, she turned me in to chopsticks and then lied to you to make you think you’re going insane in order to make you believe you love her

Alley leaps back and kicks Baberella, Baberella breaks through the wall on the other side.

Alley: That’s not true Shu
Shu: Did you just hear what she said and responded to it?
Alley: No I didn’t, I didn’t hear anything, you imagined my response, I’m still on the bed with you, I didn’t say anything just now
Shu: You’re fighting Baberella right now and you’re destroying the entire house
Alley: That’s not true, there is no Baberella, I’m still on the bed with you, you’re just imagining it, to me you are staring towards no where right now.

Baberella jumps back and uppercuts Alley, Alley flies through the roof

Babe: Shu, I’m real! Trust me, I love you

Alley, dives down from the roof and knees Baberella in to the ground

Shu: Alley are you lying to me
Alley: I am, I mean no I’m not
Shu: Well are you or aren’t you?
Alley: I’m not, you only imagined the part where I said I am
Shu: I think you’re lying to me
Alley: Shu, believe what you want to believe
Shu: I think you’re lying to me
Alley: Ok fine Shu, it’s true I am lying to you, I’m sorry
Shu: Did you get our classmates to lie too, you must have cast a different sort of spell on them. And the demon, did you summon him.
Alley: Yes and yes Shu, it’s all true

Baberella jumps up from the ground and throws a million darts toward Alley, Alley is killed.

Alley: rats

Baberella and I embrace

Baberella: Shu, I’m so glad to be back, I love you
Shu: I love you too Baby

***

I wake up and go to class, Baberella isn’t there, Alley is

“Alley you’re not dead?”

“What are you saying Shu!?”

“Where’s Baberella? Did you turn her in to a chopstick again?”

“There is no Baberella Shu, and what are you talking about turning her in to a chopstick. What wrong with you Shu” Alley falls in to my lap and cries

“Why are you sad and not angrily beating me? Wait a minute, I understand now, this is how you really are; the last chapter of my life was but dream... or so I think...”

“What?”

Chapter 3 - Alley and I fall back(?) in love

“Shu, I will stick by you until you get over this, no matter how long it takes and no matter what I have to do because I love you”

“O Alley, don’t do that, I know there is a Baby, there isn’t a piece of proof anywhere, but I know she exists. It’s impossible to change how I feel, and I’ll love her as long as I feel the way I do”

“You’ll love her if she doesn’t exist?!”

“She does exist, I believe she exists”

“Shu, I’m not asking for anything from you, but let me love you. Just let me be with you”

“I think I’ll hurt you baby, I don’t want you to do that”

“Then hurt me” She takes out a knife, she cuts off her pinky finger “Pain can kiss my ass, for I love you”

I look at my hand, my pinky is missing too; she holds up her pinkyless hand, I take it in mine… we stare at each other like retards for a minute

I throw her hand away and turn from her, “No! I cut off my pinky for Baberella! It’s her that I love!”

“Shu… don’t you remember anything… you cut it off for me…”

Her hands are around my waist, she leans on me

“I won’t leave you Shu, because I believe in you and I believe in us. You can hurt me, you can choose not to love me, but you can’t turn away my love”

“Ok”

“Listen Shu, I’m going to go pee, but can you wait for me”

“Ok”

Exuent Alley

“Now that I am alone
I have a chance to talk to myself
And in the form of a monologue,
reveal my intentions
To rid of her love
For in troth I want it not
I need must turn her away
Perchance do some small hurt
To turn away hurt much greater
Now I shalt break my feeble promise
To wait for the conclusion of her pee
And depart rather”

Exuent

***

She comes to my house, looking beautiful as she always does. She asks me to eat with her, I tell her I already ate, then she asks if she can just come in and hang out with me.

“Sure”

We sit a while

“Do you want anything Alley”

“I want you Shu”

…

“Alley, sure I’ll go out to dinner with you”

“Didn’t you already eat”

“Yeah, but baby I'll eat with you anyways”

I’ve been acting like a jerk and did unmentionable wrongs to her in the past week, I’ve made her cry time and time again, but she isn’t fazed. I have to stop it. I really ought to do something nice for her.

“O and I almost forgot” handing her a necklace “I saw this at a street vendors, I thought it looked really pretty so I bought it for you”

“O thanks Shu”

***

1 year later

“There is no Baberella” I say without any doubt in my voice. I sink in to Alley’s embrace, I shower her with kisses, “I love you so much Alley…”

“I know Shu, I love you too”

“Alley… I’m so sorry about what I put you through this past year, I was a delusional ass. I love you”

“Shu, I’d have kept at it a million and one years if I had to”

She raises my head

“You’re crying…” She says; she licks the tears off my face and my eyes “… your tears are the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten”

“That’s because these are tears of love and joy baby, and everything taste better with love”

Chapter 4 - Baberella Returns

Baberella Act 3

I got pregnant yesterday, and Baberella turned out to be an alien. A baby will claw out of my stomach killing me in one week

I throw up

"Ugh, what the hell is happening to me?"

"O my god, I think you're pregnant" says Baberella

"That's a great joke baby, I really enjoyed that"

"I'm serious, Shu... there's something I have to tell you, I'm from another planet. And gosh, I had forgotten about this, but I think on our planet when two people mate, it’s the man that gets pregnant and the baby crawls out of his stomach killing him, like in that alien movie."

"Well that’s a lot to take in, but alright"

"O golly, I'm really sorry Shu, I've been here a long time, 20 years and I forgot about this. My memory isn't very good"

"That's ok Baby, my memory isn't very good either; that's why we're together baby, because we have a lot in common"

"O man! I'm really pissed off that I forgot about this... and I'm sorry I lied to you again, but I was on a mission and I wasn't suppose to tell no body that I was an alien."

"It's ok baby, I knew you were too beautiful to be human anyways.
What kind of mission are you on?"

"Ummm, get information, make report, you know no big deal" chuckles nervously

"O, was that why you were blowing all those men to get some sort of semen sample or something?”

“No
Anyways I’m real sorry about killing you, but I’ll treat you real good until you die”

“I know you will baby. And, baby don’t feel too bad, 9 month with you will is better than 20 years I’ve lived thus far and maybe plus another 20 years, so I’ll be dying a 40 year old man baby and I'll be seein riches, fine bitches and hittin' switches til then baby, I'll justify that death.”

"Actually, your only gonna live about a week, but I’ll treat you real good for a week, real real good Shu. I mean I’ll do my best"

***

“You didn’t show up for your midterm”

“Yeah, but it’s ok, I’m going to die in one week”

“O, well alright then”

***

“Ok, cya later, take care”

“I won’t, I’ll die at the end of the week”

“O, alright then”

***

Ok, the week went by, I guess it was pretty good, but it wasn't that good or anything

"So I guess this is it, thanks for a slightly above average week"

"Not quite yet Shu… I’ve saved the best for last"

Ricky Martin walks out,

I clutch my face and hyperventilate "O my god..."

he starts singing

...

I look at Baberella "O baby, this could not be anymore perfect"

A single tear streaks down my face

"Wonderful... this is just wonderful. This is exactly how I always imagined I would die... I love you baby..."

...

The baby alien craws out, and I die.

...But wait, a twist, the baby alien is me! I’m alive!

"O wait, now I remember, the baby is you, you don't actually die, it's just like shedding skin.” she slaps me. "Dammit, you’re not even going to die, I treated you good for no reason, you used me"

“hahaha, o Baberella!” we say together

Baberella Act2

They beat the shit out of her as they laugh and gang fuck her. I run in and stab them.

...

"O shit" Baberella says... then sing songy "awwwwkwwwwaaard"

***

"Shu... I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you from the start, I enjoy giving blowjobs to large groups of men and getting beaten"

"... but... but you're a cats person, who hangs out with cats and writes poetry"

"O Shu, I am, but I'm also this"

"Why"

"I don't know, I just like being beat up, I like being sexually humiliated, I guess I'm a bit perverted. It really feels kinda beautiful when you get it." She takes a breath "But c'mon you know I love you. Those people don't mean anything to me, I mean you just fucking stabbed them and they're all lying on the floor dying and I'm here trying to work things out with you."

"How many?"

"O come on Shu"

"Tell me. How many cocks have you sucked"

"Shu please"

"I want to know"

"...576"

"576!!! Is that including me?!"

"...No, but we haven't had sex yet or anything"

"576 cocks! My girlfriend has sucked 576 cocks!!"

One dying guy looks up and croaks quite impressed "In a row?"

We stare at him, he lies back down.

"Please calm down" she says

"Well can you stop"

"I don't know"

"Maybe I can try to abuse you a little or something"

"I don't think so... no offense you're a bit soft"

"FUCK YOU!" I smack her, she falls to the ground

"Owwww Shu! I don't mean physical abuse"

"O I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it"

"See what I mean?"

I turn away dramatically

"Dammit! Why can't our love be enough baby!"

"Shu please, I love you more than anything in the world. I may blow large groups of men, but none of them mean shit to me. This doesn't change anything, I'm still me! Come on, you love me, you do, come on."

"Sigh, I don't know."

"Come on"

"Yeah... I do love you, maybe this doesn't matter"

"Thanks Shu, I love you. I love blowing groups of big mean men too, but not as much as you, I'll try my ever bestest to stop, I promise"

"Alright"

"ESKIMO kiss!" she says "O c'mon" she nudges me

"Alright..."

"ESKIMO kiss!" we say together and eskimo kiss