Shu's Christmas Love Story
Dear Santy
Hey there dog, I haven't been very good before and I never got nothing and ok, I think I deserved that. But this last year, I've been a really good boy, I think I'm like starting to get 'life' and I've become a pretty nice person, so I think you should get me something. I mean, I'm not like a big hand-outs kinda guy, but you know, this is what you do for a living, so I figured I'd ask. All I want for Christmas is a cool girlfriend. Alright? And kinda pretty please, pretty please. Gimme one. Thanks.
Signed
Shu Zhang
I skip to the post office.
"Mail to this North Pole please! It's for Santy Clause" I say smiling
"umm... ok" says the postman lady
"Thanks!"
I skip away merrily. Soon I come by a fork in the road, a clear path which will take me home in 10 minutes, and a path that leads in to an ominously dark forest, of which, no one has ever come out of alive. However, as legends has it, it's possible to get home in only 8 minutes.
3 hours in to the dark forest and I know I've made the wrong choice. I drop down and start crying like a baby
"Wah Wah, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?" I cry out
"Hey, is there a lost little boy there?" A young woman runs over. "Ummm... What fuck? I thought there was like a little boy here. You're like in your 20s!"
"Hey! I'm a sensitive modern man. I only cried like wimpy little baby as a conscious rejection of toxic masculinity."
"Right..."
We do a bit of small talk.
"So what's going on girl?"
"Ummm... well, I've been lost in a forest for the past few days. It really sucks. I'm really hungry"
I reply "Well, if it's any consolation, you look great! Hey I'm Shu, what's your name?"
"What?! Shu? What weird name hahahaha. I'm Shishkabob, but my friends call me Shishikabobby. Say, how'd you get lost anyways?"
"I was mailing my Christmas wish to Santy, and I thought this might have been a shortcut back home"
"What did you wish for?"
"O you know, like love or whateverr, psshht. How about you?"
"THE POWER OF FLIGHT! I've always wanted that. And I guess love would be good too. Though if I had it, I'd trade it for a bowl of rice. I'm so friquin hungry. Yo, can I like eat your arm?"
"That's a joke right?" I laugh nervously.
"Hahaha" she laughs
"Hahaha" I laugh...
***
BAM!
We hear a gunshot
Shishkabob runs toward it. I follow her. There's a reindeer on the ground, and a man walking toward it with a shotgun.
"Help" the reindeer says weakly
The man, the bad guy in this story, points the gun at Shishkabob "Stay out of it if you know what's good for you"
"I'm a magic reindeer, he's trying to destroy Christmas, please, WARN SANTA!!!" screams the reindeer desperately
His brain splatters against the ground as the bad guy takes another shot.
Shishkabob jumping sidekicks the gun out of the assailant's hands as he takes aim again. I jump into the fray as well. But even with the two of us (both black belts in every form of mortal combat), he is slowly overwhelming us.
He mutters "Enough! I can't waste anymore time with these brats, I've got a Christmas to destroy!" and flies away
"Hey kids... you gotta warn Santa..." the reindeer says weakly
"But we don't know how to get out of this forest"
The reindeer stands up trembling
"Hop on, I can fly you two out"
"But mr reindeer... half your brain is blown away..."
Shishkabob reprimands me "Dummy, you don't need brains to fly. It's not like he's doing math."
"Yeah, dummy" the reindeer adds.
We get on his back and fly out.
***
BAM!
I open my eyes... I'm alive, Shishkabob is crying. The reindeer's will had finally given out and we fell out of the sky. The reindeer broke our fall with his own body.
"Are you guys out of the forest?" he asks weakly
"Yeah" Shishkabob responds
"Ok good... save Christmas..."
The reindeer dies.
Shishkabob stands up, she wipes away her tears "C'mon Shu, we gotta start heading for the North Pole. We gotta save Christmas"
It's a long road to the North Pole, there are a lot of dangers and we are far outmatched by our enemy - the bad guy; but I'm inspired by the reindeer's act of courage and am filled with hope. I look over at Shishkabob and see she's looking at the reindeer with the same sense of optimism.
"You thinking what I'm thinkin' Shishkabob?"
"Yeah, reindeers taste delicious" she says as she chews a big piece of reindeer meat.
"Uhh...."
"What!? I'm really fucking hungry!". She then proceeds to eat like half of the reindeer, raw. It was disgusting.
Shishkabob pats her big fat belly. "Ahhhh... That was good. Alright, how're we getting to the north pole?"
"We'd need a jet, but how can we get one?"
"Well, I'm actually a jets thief... but I'm reformed! All my life, all I've ever done is steal a lot of planes. This is why I want to learn to fly for Christmas. So I can stop stealing planes. And live a regular and moral life!"
"Yeah... but people can't fly"
Shishkabob has a flashback
***
A bunch of boys are making fun of Shishkabob
"I can fly, I'll learn it!"
"No you cant! People can't fly! You're so stupid! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"
O how all the kids laughed at her
"Shut up!" Shishkabob screams and kicks the boys in the balls
***
"I can do it!" Shishkabob screams
"Alright, I guess you can give it a try"
"Do you believe in me Shu"
"I don't... I don't even know how to respond to this. Why would you believe you can fly"
"Shut your god damn whore mouth! We're in a fucking Christmas story! We just saw a friquin reindeer fly. We saw some other rando bad guy fly! I'm obviously the main character in this story. So I should be able to fly. You just need to believe in me!"
"Ok" I respond, all not-believing-like
She climbs up a tree, jumps off and flaps her arms stupidly. She falls down
"Ouch ouch!"
She runs back up and jumps off again. She falls down again.
She looks really really stupid.
***
Ok, so she stole a jet later that afternoon and we get to the North Pole and tell Santa what happened.
"O no, ho ho ho, thanks kids for warning me, I'll be prepared in case he tries to assassinate me or any other reindeers. But with one of my reindeers dead, I don't have enough to fly me around and deliver all the toys, Christmas is ruined. Ho ho ho"
"O NO!" me and Shishkabob shriek at once "Is there anything we can do?"
"Well there is one thing but... no I shouldn't, forget I brought it up... no, I have to tell you... no I can't, not that... ok I will. Listen you guys, I have a magical berry that can turn a human in to a reindeer... but the change is permanent, Christmas is tonight, if you want to save Christmas one of you will have to eat that berry and become a reindeer forever. Ho ho ho"
"There must be another way, we have a jet can you use that?" I ask
"Of course not you big fat dummy! Ho ho ho. A jet can't land on people's roof tops. Even if it could, I can't reach every house in the world, there are like a million people in the world!! No, I need a magical flying thing, magic is the only way to do Christmas."
"What about using Fulfilled by Amazon, they do a shit ton of deliveries nowadays and don't they have delivery drones now?".
"I think that's still in beta" replies Santa
"Wait... I can be that magical flying thing" Santa and I look at Shishkabob "I can learn to fly, I know I can"
"Ho ho ho little girl, a human can not fly, you're being stupid, ho ho ho"
Shishkabob slaps the snot out of santa's mouth, "Fuck off! I'll do it dammit, mark my words, I'll learn to fly!"
"Shishkabob... I believe in you" I say
"Thank you" she smiles.
"Go get em tiger!"
She runs, she picks up speed, dramatic music begins to play, she jumps up in slow motion. Could it be? Nope. She fails.
"Ho ho ho, stupid girl, I told you ho ho ho" laughs Santa Clause "So you guys wanna eat the berry or what"
"I don't know" I say
"OK" I turn a little shocked, "ok" says Shishkabob, "I'll do it"
"Shishkabob..."
"Shu, I gotta do it, I gotta save Christmas. Besides, I'm really hungry, I threw up some of that raw reindeer meet in the plane."
Santa pats her on the back "Thank you Shishkabob, the world owes you a great debt. We don't leave for another 2 hours, so ummm, you'll probably be wanting to really make use of your human body as much as possible until then if you know what I mean. Ho ho ho ho" Santa winks then runs fatly to behind the curtains and hides
"Oh Santa!" we say shaking our heads
***
Two hours went by like it was only one hour and fifty five minutes.
"Ok, here's the magical berry Shishkabob, go ahead and eat, save the world, ho ho ho" says Santa
Shishkabob smiles at me, "Ok, here goes."
"Wait, Shishkabob, I love you..." I say
She smirks back "I know" and she eats the berry.
I watch as she transforms. I remind myself she's bringing joy to billions of people, and her own wish of being able to fly is coming true. She won't need to steal jets anymore.
But despite that, I can't help but feel upset. What about my Christmas wish? She's really cool and we were totally hitting it off. And now she's gonna become a reindeer. It's not fair! I've been a good boy all friquin year! And I guess I'm going to be stuck with nothing again?! Am I being childish. Fuck it, I don't care, I should get something!
I manage a "Hey guys, looks like you've got everything in hand eh?"
"huh?" they look at me weird
"Ummm yeah, so listen. I gotta run. A new season of terrace house just came out on netflix, my neighbors just texted me and ummm... so if you've got everything you need, I'm gonna get out of here."
I walk away awkwardly.
***
As I'm heading to the jet, I see the bad guy hiding behind a big igloo with a sniper rifle at the ready.
Just then, I hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring ting tingling too... o no... they're already flying over us, the bad's got a shot.
I freeze. Shit, what should I do? I can't take him if I tried. I'd just get myself killed
BAM
My heart sinks, he's hit Shishkabob. She stumbles a bit, but gathers herself. They turn and charge toward him. The bad guy takes aim again. Santa's not going to make it in time.
As the bad guy takes a second shot, I hurl myself between Shishkabob and the rifle.
BAM
Gut shot. I'm bleeding profusely. But I don't feel it. I'm filled with the power of love!
Nope, I was in shock. It hurts a lot. I scream and fall back down.
The bad guy comes for me. This is it...
He aims his rifle at my head, but gets knocked down. It's Santa, Santa kicks his ass all the way to pluto, he'll never be able to cause anyone any harm again. I crawl up to Shishkabob, I take one look at her and the bullet in my gut feels like the best feeling in the world.
"Shishkabob, I'm sorry, I've been really selfish. Reindeer or not, I love you Shishkabob and I want to be with you. *cough. If anything, there's just more of you to love. *cough
Listen, I just became a man. Will you marry me?"
"Oink oink" Shishkabob responds in reindeer speak
"I'll take that as a yes" I say and smile
***
"I now pronounce you man and reindeer!" says Santa
I kiss her "O, I just know we're going to be so happy together, even though you can't even speak english anymore!"
"Oink oink, hahaha, gotcha, I can still speak English! hahaha"
We laughed and we laughed and we lived happily ever after.
And that was how both Shu and Shishkabob's Christmas wishes came true.
The End
Hey there dog, I haven't been very good before and I never got nothing and ok, I think I deserved that. But this last year, I've been a really good boy, I think I'm like starting to get 'life' and I've become a pretty nice person, so I think you should get me something. I mean, I'm not like a big hand-outs kinda guy, but you know, this is what you do for a living, so I figured I'd ask. All I want for Christmas is a cool girlfriend. Alright? And kinda pretty please, pretty please. Gimme one. Thanks.
Signed
Shu Zhang
I skip to the post office.
"Mail to this North Pole please! It's for Santy Clause" I say smiling
"umm... ok" says the postman lady
"Thanks!"
I skip away merrily. Soon I come by a fork in the road, a clear path which will take me home in 10 minutes, and a path that leads in to an ominously dark forest, of which, no one has ever come out of alive. However, as legends has it, it's possible to get home in only 8 minutes.
3 hours in to the dark forest and I know I've made the wrong choice. I drop down and start crying like a baby
"Wah Wah, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this?" I cry out
"Hey, is there a lost little boy there?" A young woman runs over. "Ummm... What fuck? I thought there was like a little boy here. You're like in your 20s!"
"Hey! I'm a sensitive modern man. I only cried like wimpy little baby as a conscious rejection of toxic masculinity."
"Right..."
We do a bit of small talk.
"So what's going on girl?"
"Ummm... well, I've been lost in a forest for the past few days. It really sucks. I'm really hungry"
I reply "Well, if it's any consolation, you look great! Hey I'm Shu, what's your name?"
"What?! Shu? What weird name hahahaha. I'm Shishkabob, but my friends call me Shishikabobby. Say, how'd you get lost anyways?"
"I was mailing my Christmas wish to Santy, and I thought this might have been a shortcut back home"
"What did you wish for?"
"O you know, like love or whateverr, psshht. How about you?"
"THE POWER OF FLIGHT! I've always wanted that. And I guess love would be good too. Though if I had it, I'd trade it for a bowl of rice. I'm so friquin hungry. Yo, can I like eat your arm?"
"That's a joke right?" I laugh nervously.
"Hahaha" she laughs
"Hahaha" I laugh...
***
BAM!
We hear a gunshot
Shishkabob runs toward it. I follow her. There's a reindeer on the ground, and a man walking toward it with a shotgun.
"Help" the reindeer says weakly
The man, the bad guy in this story, points the gun at Shishkabob "Stay out of it if you know what's good for you"
"I'm a magic reindeer, he's trying to destroy Christmas, please, WARN SANTA!!!" screams the reindeer desperately
His brain splatters against the ground as the bad guy takes another shot.
Shishkabob jumping sidekicks the gun out of the assailant's hands as he takes aim again. I jump into the fray as well. But even with the two of us (both black belts in every form of mortal combat), he is slowly overwhelming us.
He mutters "Enough! I can't waste anymore time with these brats, I've got a Christmas to destroy!" and flies away
"Hey kids... you gotta warn Santa..." the reindeer says weakly
"But we don't know how to get out of this forest"
The reindeer stands up trembling
"Hop on, I can fly you two out"
"But mr reindeer... half your brain is blown away..."
Shishkabob reprimands me "Dummy, you don't need brains to fly. It's not like he's doing math."
"Yeah, dummy" the reindeer adds.
We get on his back and fly out.
***
BAM!
I open my eyes... I'm alive, Shishkabob is crying. The reindeer's will had finally given out and we fell out of the sky. The reindeer broke our fall with his own body.
"Are you guys out of the forest?" he asks weakly
"Yeah" Shishkabob responds
"Ok good... save Christmas..."
The reindeer dies.
Shishkabob stands up, she wipes away her tears "C'mon Shu, we gotta start heading for the North Pole. We gotta save Christmas"
It's a long road to the North Pole, there are a lot of dangers and we are far outmatched by our enemy - the bad guy; but I'm inspired by the reindeer's act of courage and am filled with hope. I look over at Shishkabob and see she's looking at the reindeer with the same sense of optimism.
"You thinking what I'm thinkin' Shishkabob?"
"Yeah, reindeers taste delicious" she says as she chews a big piece of reindeer meat.
"Uhh...."
"What!? I'm really fucking hungry!". She then proceeds to eat like half of the reindeer, raw. It was disgusting.
Shishkabob pats her big fat belly. "Ahhhh... That was good. Alright, how're we getting to the north pole?"
"We'd need a jet, but how can we get one?"
"Well, I'm actually a jets thief... but I'm reformed! All my life, all I've ever done is steal a lot of planes. This is why I want to learn to fly for Christmas. So I can stop stealing planes. And live a regular and moral life!"
"Yeah... but people can't fly"
Shishkabob has a flashback
***
A bunch of boys are making fun of Shishkabob
"I can fly, I'll learn it!"
"No you cant! People can't fly! You're so stupid! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"
O how all the kids laughed at her
"Shut up!" Shishkabob screams and kicks the boys in the balls
***
"I can do it!" Shishkabob screams
"Alright, I guess you can give it a try"
"Do you believe in me Shu"
"I don't... I don't even know how to respond to this. Why would you believe you can fly"
"Shut your god damn whore mouth! We're in a fucking Christmas story! We just saw a friquin reindeer fly. We saw some other rando bad guy fly! I'm obviously the main character in this story. So I should be able to fly. You just need to believe in me!"
"Ok" I respond, all not-believing-like
She climbs up a tree, jumps off and flaps her arms stupidly. She falls down
"Ouch ouch!"
She runs back up and jumps off again. She falls down again.
She looks really really stupid.
***
Ok, so she stole a jet later that afternoon and we get to the North Pole and tell Santa what happened.
"O no, ho ho ho, thanks kids for warning me, I'll be prepared in case he tries to assassinate me or any other reindeers. But with one of my reindeers dead, I don't have enough to fly me around and deliver all the toys, Christmas is ruined. Ho ho ho"
"O NO!" me and Shishkabob shriek at once "Is there anything we can do?"
"Well there is one thing but... no I shouldn't, forget I brought it up... no, I have to tell you... no I can't, not that... ok I will. Listen you guys, I have a magical berry that can turn a human in to a reindeer... but the change is permanent, Christmas is tonight, if you want to save Christmas one of you will have to eat that berry and become a reindeer forever. Ho ho ho"
"There must be another way, we have a jet can you use that?" I ask
"Of course not you big fat dummy! Ho ho ho. A jet can't land on people's roof tops. Even if it could, I can't reach every house in the world, there are like a million people in the world!! No, I need a magical flying thing, magic is the only way to do Christmas."
"What about using Fulfilled by Amazon, they do a shit ton of deliveries nowadays and don't they have delivery drones now?".
"I think that's still in beta" replies Santa
"Wait... I can be that magical flying thing" Santa and I look at Shishkabob "I can learn to fly, I know I can"
"Ho ho ho little girl, a human can not fly, you're being stupid, ho ho ho"
Shishkabob slaps the snot out of santa's mouth, "Fuck off! I'll do it dammit, mark my words, I'll learn to fly!"
"Shishkabob... I believe in you" I say
"Thank you" she smiles.
"Go get em tiger!"
She runs, she picks up speed, dramatic music begins to play, she jumps up in slow motion. Could it be? Nope. She fails.
"Ho ho ho, stupid girl, I told you ho ho ho" laughs Santa Clause "So you guys wanna eat the berry or what"
"I don't know" I say
"OK" I turn a little shocked, "ok" says Shishkabob, "I'll do it"
"Shishkabob..."
"Shu, I gotta do it, I gotta save Christmas. Besides, I'm really hungry, I threw up some of that raw reindeer meet in the plane."
Santa pats her on the back "Thank you Shishkabob, the world owes you a great debt. We don't leave for another 2 hours, so ummm, you'll probably be wanting to really make use of your human body as much as possible until then if you know what I mean. Ho ho ho ho" Santa winks then runs fatly to behind the curtains and hides
"Oh Santa!" we say shaking our heads
***
Two hours went by like it was only one hour and fifty five minutes.
"Ok, here's the magical berry Shishkabob, go ahead and eat, save the world, ho ho ho" says Santa
Shishkabob smiles at me, "Ok, here goes."
"Wait, Shishkabob, I love you..." I say
She smirks back "I know" and she eats the berry.
I watch as she transforms. I remind myself she's bringing joy to billions of people, and her own wish of being able to fly is coming true. She won't need to steal jets anymore.
But despite that, I can't help but feel upset. What about my Christmas wish? She's really cool and we were totally hitting it off. And now she's gonna become a reindeer. It's not fair! I've been a good boy all friquin year! And I guess I'm going to be stuck with nothing again?! Am I being childish. Fuck it, I don't care, I should get something!
I manage a "Hey guys, looks like you've got everything in hand eh?"
"huh?" they look at me weird
"Ummm yeah, so listen. I gotta run. A new season of terrace house just came out on netflix, my neighbors just texted me and ummm... so if you've got everything you need, I'm gonna get out of here."
I walk away awkwardly.
***
As I'm heading to the jet, I see the bad guy hiding behind a big igloo with a sniper rifle at the ready.
Just then, I hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring ting tingling too... o no... they're already flying over us, the bad's got a shot.
I freeze. Shit, what should I do? I can't take him if I tried. I'd just get myself killed
BAM
My heart sinks, he's hit Shishkabob. She stumbles a bit, but gathers herself. They turn and charge toward him. The bad guy takes aim again. Santa's not going to make it in time.
As the bad guy takes a second shot, I hurl myself between Shishkabob and the rifle.
BAM
Gut shot. I'm bleeding profusely. But I don't feel it. I'm filled with the power of love!
Nope, I was in shock. It hurts a lot. I scream and fall back down.
The bad guy comes for me. This is it...
He aims his rifle at my head, but gets knocked down. It's Santa, Santa kicks his ass all the way to pluto, he'll never be able to cause anyone any harm again. I crawl up to Shishkabob, I take one look at her and the bullet in my gut feels like the best feeling in the world.
"Shishkabob, I'm sorry, I've been really selfish. Reindeer or not, I love you Shishkabob and I want to be with you. *cough. If anything, there's just more of you to love. *cough
Listen, I just became a man. Will you marry me?"
"Oink oink" Shishkabob responds in reindeer speak
"I'll take that as a yes" I say and smile
***
"I now pronounce you man and reindeer!" says Santa
I kiss her "O, I just know we're going to be so happy together, even though you can't even speak english anymore!"
"Oink oink, hahaha, gotcha, I can still speak English! hahaha"
We laughed and we laughed and we lived happily ever after.
And that was how both Shu and Shishkabob's Christmas wishes came true.
The End
posted by Shu's Tales at 12:48 AM
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